Emotional Capacity

The term emotional intelligence (EI)  has become a buzz word to address the role of emotion in relationships, work, organization, and family environments.  But most of what we hear on this topic has very little to do with emotions.  EI seems to have more to do with cognitive awareness and attempts to avoid or subdue emotions.    

I think Emotional Capacity (EC) is a better way to consider the emotional aspects of the human creature.  Intellect draws on the memory bank of the mind, but the capacity of emotional experience goes deeper to the heart of a person.  Unwanted feelings may produce unpleasant emotions, but the capacity to change these to pleasant emotions requires more than a mere decision to change.  Deeper qualities of love, joy, peace,  temperance, gratitude, contentment, kindness, and faithfulness must go beyond the imagination to provide meaning for ourselves and others around us.  

EI focuses on controlling behaviors. EC focuses on positively influencing behaviors by expanding core belief systems to engage and enrich a person . Mere cognitive awareness of emotion does not produce transformation.   Inside out change is much more rewarding, productive, and longer lasting.  

Emotions carry messages.  The messages they report are gathered from thoughts and feelings about the environment.  Who we are as a person is based on our constant evaluation of our value and worth in our environment.  Therefore, our identity directly relates to our EC.  

EC can be defined as the ability to interpret and express inner emotional messages with unshaken assurance of personal worth and identity.  

I discovered valuable insights on EC by reading things by Dr. Richard Ecker.  We learn how to navigate our environment by developing coping skills.  Ecker points to Webster’s definition of coping as “successful striving.”  In the Emotional Survival Training Manual, he writes that coping, “is the ability to stand and endure in the face of difficult circumstances— or maneuver to avoid them. But we do not cope when we merely stand and endure or run and hide. We cope when we strive actively against the realities we face— and succeed.”  

  Ecker also says, “Typically, coping success is believed to be tied to the ultimate outcome of the situation that has made the coping necessary. If the outcome is good from the standpoint of the individual who is trying to cope, then that person is generally considered to have coped successfully. If the outcome is undesirable, then most people tend to feel that they coped badly. The fact is, outcomes have nothing at all to do with whether or not an individual coped successfully with the situation. The only real measure of coping success is whether or not that person emerged from the encounter with a positive feeling of personal value— that is, has successfully striven.”  

Cope-ability is based on increasing a sense of God-given personal value and worthfulness.  Let me distinguish between self-worth and self-esteem. Value and worth is an attribute given by God inherent in the existence of every human life.  Nothing a person does (or doesn’t do) can add or detract from the image of God in personhood.  Esteeming self by ex halting one’s human ability to create or maintain superior value, is not the kind of striving discussed here.  Selfish satisfaction of personal desire works against the created order of God.  Self-worth is selflessly accepting and  loving the person who God made you to be.  

Ecker says,  “if you learn how to confront the realities of life in such a way that you can emerge from each experience with a positive sense of personal worth, then you can gain from each experience valuable equipment that will make you even more successful in succeeding confrontations.”   Increasing emotional capacity is the goal.  Accepting your unconditional personal worth is the means to that goal.  

In order to obtain the full message from emotion, one must be able to identify specific thoughts and feelings and determine the reality of their impact.  EC allows a person to feel.  Fear of feeling, shuts a person down so that the true messages being sent by emotions are not received.  If a person denies or minimizes the feeling of sad, they will also not be able to feel glad.  Pushing away the feeling of alone, will also prohibit a feeling of belonging.  Refusing to feel wherein one’s discontent lies, will also limit the capacity to feel true contentment.  Whatever negative feeling is avoided will inevitably cut off the ability to feel the positive counterpart.   

Anger management, for example, without anger engagement, may actually diminish one’s EC.  (see article http://authoredhersh.blogspot.com/2015/09/anger-management-or-anger-engagement.html)  Anger is a surface emotion in that a deeper message is always behind the anger.  If feelings like rejection, guilt, or shame are the source of the anger, a cause nor solution have no chance of being discovered if the anger is merely “controlled” and not also engaged at a deeper level. EI may offer a solution to anger that would include withdrawing from situations that make you angry.  EC would build the ability to cope with the inner source of anger so that tougher and tougher situations can be endured without triggering the anger.   

At one time or another, we all face overwhelming emotional circumstances in life.  Our coping skills have limitations based on our perceptions of our personal worth.  Our capacity to overcome (or lack thereof), is most significantly influenced by our parents and the people in our background who shaped core beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.  

Another thing to realize is that negative feelings are the default mode of our human condition. From birth we feel things like the following without having to take lessons: rejected, deserted, left out, ashamed, trashy, unfit, unworthy, anxious, desperate, fearful, powerless, helpless, oppressed, weak, damaged, flawed, inferior, insignificant, unappreciated, unloved, defeated, hopeless, disoriented, and depressed.  From a very young age we assimilate these into our concept of self-worth and unconsciously create conditions for accepting love and affirmation from other people.  We form habits of interpreting and expressing inner emotional messages that condemn rather than build up.  When this negativity is reinforced or aggravated by those around us, developing a positive sense of self-worth is all the more difficult.  

It takes some effort to increase the capacity of the emotional part of our being, but it is worth every bit of effort.  Building resilience  is like filling a reservoir with clean water in preparation for an unknown drought season.  We may not know when the next crisis or conflict tests our stamina or stability, but we know our personal worth is not based on how the situation turns out.  We fill our soul with “clean water” by uncovering and healing the source of damaged self-concept, learning and developing new coping skills, and replacing bad habits with good habits.   

In the next article I will address more of the how to’s for increasing emotional capacity.  

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry

Anger Management or Anger Engagement

            Can anger be your friend?  It depends.  Anger is what I call a "surface" emotion.  Anger is only a messenger of a deeper inner message.  So, yes, if you are willing to be vulnerable enough to find out what that message is and respond appropriately, anger can actually be your friend.  If however, you allow your anger to turn to bitterness, resentment, rage, or revenge, anger can become the most destructive enemy imaginable. 

            People feel anger in different ways, with varying intensities, and for different reasons.  Feelings like disappointment, frustration, annoyance, irritation, aggravation, and infuriation are a normal part of the human experience.  But when these valid feelings of anger are rooted in things like self pity, critical judgment, or selfish ambition, invalid transgressions follow.   When, as a student for example, you receive a C grade on a test you thought you aced, being upset is valid, but it's your actions in response that identify your motivations.  If you respond by complaining about the test conditions, blaming the teacher, or justifying your incorrect answers to the questions on the test, the experience is likely to become a defeat.  If on the other hand, you receive the lower-than-expected grade as a motivator to improve your study habits or to seek help to understand the material better, the same experience can become an opportunity for growth and development. 

            Being aware of your behavior and making changes for the better (anger management) is a good thing.  But even better is making yourself vulnerable enough to explore origins of the anger feelings and engage resolution with a higher power outside yourself.  The deepest inner person growth occurs when you not only manage your responses, but you discover and root out the negative core thoughts and beliefs driving the feelings and actions.  When you believe your inner voice telling you that "You're not capable," "You're no good," "You'll never amount to anything," "You're not lovable," "You'll never belong," "You'll never get it right," etc., you will most assuredly act to fulfill those beliefs.  No matter how hard you try to change your behavior, if you do not change negative core beliefs you render yourself powerless to achieve the most lasting change for healthy growth. 

            Every human wants to know love and belonging.  What we believe about ourselves (self-concept) is shaped primarily by our experiences meeting needs of love and belonging. Our deepest hurts have to do with lack or fear of lack of sustainable love and acceptance.  To the degree we perceive this scarcity we become angry with ourselves or our world until we can regain enough perceived worth to go on.  Hence, when you grant yourself the vulnerability to feel beyond the surface of anger, the emotion of shame is the most revealing. 

            A topic big enough for another conversation is the role of shame in our belief system.  Shame and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown defines shame this way, "Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging" (see her book Daring Greatly).  Shame is an emotion packed with pain and a powerful motivator.  All negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves are connected somehow to lack of self-worth which presents itself as shame.  Shame is different from guilt.  Guilt is based on what I do, whereas shame is based on who I am.  Confusing the two has the effect of meshing our performance with who we are as a person.  A perosn's  worth is not based on his performance, but solely on the fact that he is human.  

            When sorting out anger responses, it is essential to make this distinction.  Are you mad at a person's actions (whether yourself or another), or have you fused his actions with who he is as a person?  Are you perceiving him as transgressor or jerk (guilt-based or shame-based judgment)?  A person can behave differently to correct guilt, but performance cannot correct shame.  Love corrects shame.  Humans are wired for love and belonging so that love and belonging corrects shame.  Shame expressions in things like self-pity, critical judgment, or selfish ambition mentioned above are often very hard to detect.  We are good at hiding shame.  Expressing anger is Ca very common way of masking shame.

            When you catch yourself being critically judgmental of a person (instead of just his actions) here is another scary thought.  This shaming of the person is the result of your very own shame being tapped into.  You cannot shame another without first shaming yourself.  To condemn another is to condemn yourself.   If you are serious about being a more courageous, compassionate, and connecting person, I highly recommend reading the book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are  by Brene Brown. 

            Our world seems to present more opportunities for disappointment and anger-producing feeling every day.  One of three choices will determine your future.   One, denying anger only sets you up for bigger problems later.  Two, managing anger provides some temporary coping mechanisms.  Three, engaging the underlying emotion through vulnerability will banish or dissolve anger's destructive flames. 

            For followers of Christ anger is not  automatically conquered when you first welcome God into your life.  The ultimate act of vulnerability is to receive God’s son Jesus, not only as the One who frees from the guilt of transgression, but also bears our shame (Isaiah 53:3).   Growing in your relationship with God involves growing in your vulnerability and surrender to God's ways.

            It's okay to feel.  It's okay to feel uncomfortable feelings.  It may seem scary to let yourself intentionally feel your anger in order to find deeper feelings of lack and unworthiness, invalidation, powerlessness, incompetence, unlovableness, loneliness, fear of not belonging, self-rejection, and other shame-based thoughts and feelings.  May I encourage you to be vulnerable today.  Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness.   It takes courage to meet the weakness of anger with the strength of vulnerability.  No one else can do this for you.  Put anger in its place, each time it tries to invade your space.

                Note:   The book Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart discusses themes of dealing with disappointments, offense and finding freedom in forgiveness.  This book is designed to help people (especially in the Christian faith)  to discover and dislodge things in life that lead to defeat. Don't miss out on your chance to use this book as a helpful tool in discovering Refuge in Christ. It can be purchased by clicking here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm .

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry

Trash Leads to Crash

            This is part two of a three part trilogy on "trash talk."  Part one discussed some of the ways to allow pain to expose unhealthy patterns of thinking and tolerating garbage in our mental and emotional life.  In this article I show how these patterns create diseases that destroy our quality of life and the next article will show how to protect and overcome the destruction. 

            We looked at the example of King David in the Old Testament.  The Bible describes how this godly man allowed trash thoughts and actions to wreck his life and the lives of those around him.  His unchecked desires led to inappropriate entertainment, which led to womanizing, which led to adultery, which led to murder and a cover-up, which all shortened his kingship and damaged his legacy.  This raises a question, "How could David, chosen by God himself to be king,  experience such a hard crash?"   How could a person identified as "a man after God's heart" (1 Samuel 13:14),  become vulnerable to such evil actions?    Merely asking this question hopefully sobers us to some degree into considering our own vulnerability. 

            The Bible offers some valuable insight into the susceptibility of the heart of mankind. Jesus himself taught extensively about inner person health, and shared  many stories to reveal his listeners' true heart condition.  In the first book of the New Testament, the gospel of Matthew 5:21-22 says, “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell."  Jesus is making a very strong connection between holding anger towards a person and the wicked act of killing.  The feelings of anger are not sinful, but allowing anger to turn into bitterness, hatred, and resentment leads to cancer and evil.  The word 'Raca' in this text is similar to the word 'jerk.'  When we turn our attention from judging a person's actions, to critically judging his/her intentions or motives, we are considering them a jerk, and thus unworthy of their Creator's personhood. 

            For example, let's say your boss turns you down for a job promotion.   You may disagree with him/her about your past performance, potential duties, or other specific details of projects.  Your assessment (judgment) may be that the boss isn't understanding, fair, or best for the organization.  Instead of engaging the conflict to work through the differences, you decide to hold your opinions to yourself.  When your "judging" crosses the line to thinking of your boss as a "jerk," you begin to kill the relationship.  Your dislike of actions turns to embittered heart toward the person.  It may happen at once or on a slippery slope.  Perhaps your disappointment causes you to have a keener ear for other people's disagreements with the boss, and you participate in bad-mouthing and rumors (slander and gossip).  Your performance may slip because your attitude towards your work stinks.  Your boss is forced to confront you for a performance issue, and you react with complaining more about him/her, blaming someone else's faults, or justifying your own bad behavior.  Now your bitterness and hatred is turning to full blown rage and it's harder to control your emotions.  You "snap" at other people in your life (co-workers, roommate, spouse, kids) and maybe for comfort you turn to an old bad habit (addiction) you kicked a while ago.  If you're still blaming your boss for all this trouble in your life, your rage and resentment could turn to retaliation, and before you realize it, you're thinking about harming your boss (or someone else).  If these "trash" thoughts and feelings are not interrupted, they could develop into an act of revenge.  That's how trash leads to crash.

            Again, feelings of anger are not automatically a bad thing. Anger (as with many emotions) is a messenger.  Anger is trying to tell you something about a deeper problem of unresolved stress, unmet legitimate needs, or residual shame and guilt. 

Anger is often a "trash detector" emotion.  Failing to pay attention to the message and original source of the anger can entrap the heart and mind in a prison of harmful thoughts and emotions. 

            The last week of February 2015, brought a very sad and cold reality to Lancaster County. Similar scenarios to the above played out in real life in our community.  In two separate incidents, a community leader committed murder.  One is a former pastor of a congregation who looked to him for shepherding.  The other was an assistant principal in a high school with youth looking up to him for guidance.  It is difficult to comprehend how something this horrible can happen.  The families are let to deal with the trauma of the events, but the community is also traumatized. 

            We must remember that these events are "abnormal."  We must guard against these particular leaders' failures from casting an overall critical judgment upon all authority figures.  "Who can we trust?" is a very valid question, for example, but assuming that all leaders are untrustworthy because of the actions of a few, will not serve our community well.  Failure to trust good, solid, trustworthy leaders opens the door even wider for predator-type "leaders" to make their move.  Trustworthy leaders are worthy of the trust of their followers, and the vast majority of community leaders have paid a price to be in the position they occupy--positions earned by trust. 

            Though these tragedies are a very small part of the "big picture," it is worth looking at how they occur to try to keep them from happening.  I mention them to show that just as in the time of King David in the Old Testament, leaders today are also at great risk for moral and personal failures.  When leaders crash, the fallout can be devastating to a community.  Understanding the magnitude of the problem can help the grieving process back to normalcy.   Leaders are judged by their outward performance, but on the inside, their inner person is made of the same stuff as all mankind. 

            We try to conceal pain.  We don't try to be a bad person.  But concealing pain (not dealing with the trash) will lead people to do bad things.  So, in order to intentionally be a good person, we must intentionally deal with conflict and pain.  There is much wisdom in the Proverbs and other parts of the Bible about finding answers on how to do this.   In chapter 5 of the gospel of Matthew quoted above, Jesus taught how to avoid murder by acknowledging anger and turning away from calling people jerks.  In the verses following, Jesus shows adultery (going to bed with a person not your spouse) occurs in your heart (with no physical act involved).  He says, "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’   But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28).  Looking is not automatically lust, but allowing sexual desire to take your thoughts and feelings to a place only meant for your marriage partner is adultery.  "Moral failures," or "affairs" (euphemisms for adultery) do not occur only with the physical act of sex, but with the first expression of the wayward heart (ie. flirting, emotionally connecting, meeting alone, fixation).  Similar to justifying anger, entertaining lust is like trash that will lead to crash.

            The scenarios above may play out in many variations.  Instead of a boss, it could be any authority figure including a family member or church leader.  In the Church, the incorrect notion that, "Christians are not supposed to feel anger" can hinder the trash collection process.  Over spiritualizing or blaming too much on the devil can also be a common way to evade taking responsibility for inner person health. 

            In sum, the health of our heart determines the health of our entire being. Keeping the heart as free from trash (encumbrances, unresolved stress, and cancerous thought and feelings) as possible will assure the highest quality of life.  May I encourage you each day to take a few moments and briefly examine your heart condition before God.

                Note:   The book Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart discusses themes of dealing with disappointments, offense and finding freedom in forgiveness.  This book is designed to help people (especially in the Christian faith)  to discover and dislodge things in life that lead to defeat. Don't miss out on your chance to use this book as a helpful tool in discovering Refuge in Christ. It can be purchased by clicking here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm . If you get anywhere near Pennsylvania for vacation or on business, be sure to look us up for lodging at  http://bluerockbnb.com 

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry

Taking Out the Trash

            One of the services of local municipal government in America is trash disposal.  What happens when you neglect to put out on the curb your property's trash container for the weekly pick-up?  It becomes all the more smelly during the next week!  Dealing with the trash may not be a favorite chore, but it must be done;  distributing containers in appropriate spots throughout the house, trash can liners inserted, emptied at least once a week into the curb-side pick-up containers (also lined so hopefully it doesn't need scrubbed every week because of the smell), maybe more or less steps (depending on your standards of cleanliness), and finally, taking the household container to the curb.

            As much as we may dislike the trash removal chores, the alternatives are certainly worse.  Neglecting to remove spoiled food from the refrigerator or soiled diapers from the baby’s room, will create smelly consequences.  And the germs ....  Unclean environments create unhealthy conditions which make unhealthy, sick people.  Proper handling of trash is an essential part of maintaining a healthy household and living a healthy life.  It is a faithful physical reminder of an emotional and spiritual process in our lives.

            Our physical being can be thought of as a "house" we live in while we exist on earth.  Our mental and emotional well-being determines in great measure the condition of our "house" (individual person) and our "neighborhood" (family, friends, etc.). When talking about mental and emotional health, “taking out the trash” may have a slightly different meaning for different people.  Prolonged mental or emotional pain usually means there is some sort of "trash" to be removed.  The trash in this case is likened to some sort of inner woundedness.  We live in a broken world with broken people acting out their brokenness towards their environment (including other people), thus creating more wounding and brokenness.  This cycle affects every person without exception.  Since the beginning of sin's entry into the world, mistreatment, injustice, and even abuse are to be expected.  The hurt we feel as a result does not mean we are weak, just human.  Trying to be "tough," by ignoring or minimizing the effects of mental and emotional pain can create far more significant long term damage than paying attention to it right away.  Pain is not the problem.  Pain is only a messenger.  Heeding pain's message by acknowledging and working it through will help prevent trash buildup in your inner person.  Does this sound like a smelly or frightening chore?  Do not despair.  We have hope in a "trash hauler" even for this kind of trash. 

            The difficult part of this scenario is that until the pain becomes unbearable, mankind is wired to resist inner person trash removal "chores."  Human nature prefers familiarity even when the familiar becomes unhealthy.  Brokenness is accepted and even sometimes celebrated before the ugliness of its unhealthy qualities are discovered. This phenomenon, at least in part,  explains why a person abused as a child will often select abusive people to hang out with as an adult. 

            One of the most prominent examples of someone not taking out the trash in his heart, is  the ancient King David.  What began as unintended (and unchecked) thoughts and feelings ended up with intentional deception, adultery and murder.  David wasn't tuned into the trash until a prophet named Nathan shared a story with him that revealed the truth.  One "misjudgment" upon another was, in reality, one sin upon another (ie. idleness, complacency, visual stimulation, conversation, flirting, lust (confused as love), sweet-talking a woman not his wife (victimizing), affair (adultery), hiding affair, inappropriate suggestions (trickery & manipulation), half truths (lying and cover-up), commanding army (misuse of power, killing, & murder).  See the book of 2 Samuel chapters 11 and 12 in the Bible to read the details.  David and the entire nation of Israel had to suffer grave consequences because of his actions.  What began as "bad judgment" ended in a hard crash.  In my next blog post I plan to talk more about how trash held in a person's heart can lead to this kind of crash.

            For now, let me say that holding anger, bitterness, resentment, envy, jealousy, shame, self-bitterness, worry and other negative feelings create destructive forms of trash that defile our personhood (Hebrews 3:12; 12:15).   Jesus taught that our sinful thoughts and attitudes are as serious as our actions (Matthew 5:21-22).  Sometimes we even try to justify actions as "gray areas," to make excuse for what we know is wrong. 

            If you experience lingering unrest in your soul, conflict in a relationship, mood swings, worry, doubts about who you are or your purpose for being, or other negative feelings that leave you confused or doubtful about the future, let me encourage you to make a commitment to finding the source and getting rid of the trash.  Here are some questions to ask yourself to help with this task.

• Is there a person(s) in your life you try to avoid having contact with? 
• Is there someone you are focused on to meet a need in your life, but they do not seem to share the same commitment or provide assistance? 
• Do you have a habit you are afraid to admit might be an addiction? 
• Are you not eating or losing sleep because of an obsession to success on a work project? 
• Are you dabbling in something that you are afraid will ruin your reputation if the wrong person finds out about it? 
• Is there a particular place, specific event, or regular activity, that triggers negative feelings (especially with unknown reason)?
• Do you occasionally stretch the truth (tell a lie) for "convenience" sake? 
• Are different people trying to tell you the same thing about a part of your character that you really don't want to hear? 
• Do other people think you are less open minded as you believe you are? 
• Are you addicted to porn or some substance but don't know what to do about it? 
• Do you think about killing yourself or someone else in order to solve a problem?   

              The more questions to which you answer "yes," the more likely your standards of "heart cleanliness" may be deficient.  It also means you may be at greater  risk for doing something dangerous or tragic.  If the task of removing the trash seems too overwhelming, seek help from a trusted friend and competent counselor.  If you are planning right now to harm someone, go Immediately to an ER (emergency room).  DO NOT HESITATE! 

            If you are a confessing Christian (trusting Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord), you are not automatically exempt from the task of taking out the trash.  In all reverence and respect for what Christ accomplished through his death and resurrection, let us recognize that Jesus came to be our trash hauler.  He saves us from our sins, and heals the  pain of the consequences of the sins (Isaiah 53:4).  Our trash is hauled away through repentance.  We put our trash in a container and turn it over to him.   Confession and repentance is obviously recognized as a means to receive forgiveness of a grievous sin like murder, but we also need to repent even if we have simply harbored wrong attitudes and thoughts and committed less heinous actions. 

            Jesus is the way into Father's presence where there is no trash to be encountered.  You are now on a journey to receive more and more of God's presence with Father as the destination.  Your conversion experience did not remove all the trash at one time.  It began the process of taking out the trash that keeps you from having a more intimate fellowship with Father God (even now before your final destination is reached). 

            If you need help from a counselor, it does not make you less of a Christian.  If you are a leader, you are at even greater risk.  Do not allow pride to minimize the dangers.  A crash similar to King David's would not only hurt your own life, but many others as well. 

            God wants the trash gone even more than you do.  God wants to know you as he made you in his original design before trash (sin) entered the world.  Oh to know God, and be known by Him.  That should be our greatest motivator of all for taking out the trash!    

                Note:   The book Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart discusses themes of dealing with disappointments, offense and finding freedom in forgiveness.  This book is designed to help people (especially in the Christian faith)  to discover and dislodge things in life that lead to defeat. Don't miss out on your chance to use this book as a helpful tool in discovering Refuge in Christ. It can be purchased by clicking here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm . If you get anywhere near Pennsylvania for vacation or on business, be sure to look us up for lodging at  http://bluerockbnb.com