Victim To Victory

 

          How much have you been touched by “cancel culture”(CC)? For those unfamiliar with the term, CC means “cancelling” (everything from ignoring to tearing up by the roots and killing) any person, place, or thing that disappoints, offends, or is simply in disagreement with your beliefs and ways of thinking. CC has become such a common mindset that many do not even realize how much their behavior has slid down the slippery slope of “cancellation” as a way of dealing with their problems.

            We have seen CC at work recently in efforts trying to erase the history of our nation’s heritage. Leadership imperfections may exist, but tearing down statues and changing the names of places, cannot change the past. Nor can it heal any woundedness caused by past events. Trying to “cancel” only makes problems worse. Why?  Because it doesn’t change the human heart.         

            A recent post on Facebook captures a critical observation. Pastor R. Loren Sandford of New Song Church and Ministries in Colorado writes, “I've concluded that some people have a sick NEED to hate. It might be hate for a Christian leader. It might be directed at a political figure. It might be directed at the opposite sex. It can be racial. It can be religious. In any case the need will be there and it will manifest in damage done to relationships of all kinds.

Why Is it there? Because It promises power and significance while turning the hater ultimately into a victim. For at least a generation now we've been conditioned as a culture to think of ourselves as victims instead of sinners who are saved and victorious in Jesus. Victims of sexism. Victims of race. Victims of abuse. Victims of injustice. Victims of circumstance. Victims of politics. Victims of the big corporations. Victims of unfair treatment. On and on it goes.

And now hatred consumes the land. I think we need to remember that we are called to be conformed to the image of the Son of God. He was not the victim of the cross. He accomplished the cross. And then rose again.” 

I like this quote because prophetic pastor Sandford doesn’t just state a problem, but also states the solution. The solution is the heart transforming power of Jesus. Honoring God by surrendering more and more of our hearts to him on a continuing basis, is literally our only salvation (see Philippians 2:12). Changing from the inside out is our hope for victory over victim status (see Mark 7:17-23). This solution requires a radical, daily commitment. Sometimes moment-to-moment intentionality is necessary, especially when we seem surrounded by “haters.” Hate, though it tries to blame (and thus shame) others, ironically brings shame back on the one who hates. Hate becomes a vicious cycle of creating victims of hate.

Shame and condemnation are at the root of victimhood. Backtracking from hatred, the path goes something like this. The roots of hatred lie in bitterness, and the roots of bitterness lie in condemning judgments. Condemning judgments form after complaining, blaming, or justifying. We rely on our own faulty beliefs, make false assumptions, draw inaccurate conclusions, feed more faulty beliefs, form harmful opinions, create condemning judgments which all contribute to making bad decisions leading to bad behavior. An example may go like this. A female with skin color X may have grown up without a positive male influence in her life. Her beliefs were formed by her mom being taken advantage of and her own bad experiences with males of skin color Y. Her assumptions are that ALL men and persons of skin color Y are bad people. A female supervisor’s decision at work did not go in her favor. She assumes her work is not appreciated, and concludes it is because of her skin color X, She decides to quit. A male supervisor in a different department (who she doesn’t like just because he’s a male) offers her a good job. She turns it down mostly because she was still upset (bitter) at losing her original position. She lost her place to live because of unemployment and she blamed all these troubles on being victim of the company’s unfairness. Cancelling incidents like this happen over and over again in marriages, family relationships, churches, and organizations to the detriment of everyone involved.

Our hearts are prone to bitter, condemning judgments that create destruction. Bitterness is like a weed in a garden that will continue to spread unless it is rooted out.  Bitterness automatically finds a way to blame others as “bad,” and justify self as “good.” Seeing faults in others and not seeing them in ourselves, is an innate tendency of our sin nature, and can only be rolled back through the saving power of Jesus.

 Another enemy of a productive garden is insects. Psychiatrist Daniel Amen describes our Automatic Negative Thoughts as ANTS. Amen’s articles and books describe how this acronym came to him after finding an ant infested kitchen in his home. The infestation was like the images of brains of his anxiety and depression ridden patients who had one negative thought after another stealing their happiness and contentment in life. Getting rid of ANTS means we must be actively resistant to complaining, blaming, justifying, making false assumptions, drawing inaccurate conclusions, forming harmful opinions, and allowing bitter, condemning judgments to take root in our hearts. They turn us into victims whenever they get a chance.  

The best “pest control” treatment for these ANTS is gratitude. As a follower of Jesus, the thing I am most grateful for is his ability to change the things I am powerless to change. I can’t change other people, but I can allow God to change my heart. When people do me wrong, it does me no good to hold bitterness against them. God never “cancels” a person, and therefore does not allow me to cancel a person either. But God does want me to “cancel” (root out) bitterness and victimhood from my own heart (see Hebrews 12:4-15). I have the choice not to be a victim by receiving God’s power of forgiveness and granting forgiveness to my offender. See an earlier article for more on this: authoredhersh.blogspot.com/2011/10/overcoming-cycle-of-offense.html .

Is there someone you are avoiding because of a disagreement or ill-treatment of some sort? Is there a group, employer, church, organization, political party, or some other affiliation that instantly triggers your thoughts in a negative direction (produces ANTS)? If so, you may be sloshing in more bitterness and victim than you realize. Ask God for forgiveness and consider  what action you need to take to gain victory.

For people reading this who like me, sometimes find themselves on the receiving end of CC, never lose hope in the power of God to intervene. When people try to cancel you out, let the love of Christ give you the affirmation and validation no human can give. Believing in Jesus is our salvation (see John 3:16-17).

            God’s love, as expressed through Jesus coming to this earth, cancelled victimhood once and for all. The gospel “cancels” no person. Each is redeemable, no matter how bad their actions may have been in the past, or how bad others’ actions toward them may have been. Jesus is our Redeemer. Jesus is our Refuge. Jesus delivers us from victim to victory.   

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry

Overcoming Grief and Loss

As I write this, looming as large as a pandemic of coronavirus outbreak, is a pandemic of grief.  I’m not talking about the obvious grief of those losing a loved one who dies.  I’m talking about the grief caused by more generalized losses.  These may include  sudden illness, public safety, home safety, necessities of life (food and shelter), physical health, life routines, peace of mind,  emotional security, employment, business ownership, trust in people, privacy, social interaction,  faith in science, faith in God, self-image, self-worth, and a host of identity issues and beliefs questioning who we are and where we’re going.  There is no shortage of loss these days.  I used to think of grief in terms of mourning the death of someone in close relationship, but have learned that grief applies to all types of losses and hurts.  For loss to be recovered (large and small losses alike), loss must be grieved.

When things feel so out of control, as in these times, how should we respond? As a Christian, the obvious answer is to turn to God.  But in our human condition, what does that look like?  We see in the Bible that Jesus bears our grief and carries our sorrows for us (see Isaiah 53:1-6).  Jesus came to redeem us from our sin and to bear the pain of the consequences of sin in our world.  Although Jesus accomplished this work for us, it is often very difficult for us as individuals to surrender to His way of working it out in our humanity.  Processing grief can be hard work, but it is essential for our well being.  Grief is something everyone is going through in the midst of pandemic, whether they are willing to admit it or not.

Grief is the process of engaging loss, making adjustments, and recovering new hope for meeting life’s needs.   Let’s briefly consider these three elements.

First, consider your losses.  Identify them, and make a list.   Name not only the tangible losses like job, finances, school, time, health, relationship, too much or too little personal space etc., but also name the intangible (emotional)  losses that go with each tangible loss.  Intangible losses may be things like confidence or competence level, sense of safety or security, degree of peace of mind, personal dignity, self-sufficiency, sense of control, beliefs about God, other people, or self,  trust in people or institutions, and self-worth and values issues.  Making this list may sound like a goofy idea, but it will have a huge payoff in the long run.  If you don’t name, you don’t know what to reclaim.  There’s no recovery without discovery.  It’s that simple.   An exercise in naming losses requires some time alone and free from distractions.  It can be emotionally draining, so take a break if you feel overwhelmed.  

With a written list, you now have something to return to as you go through making adjustments which is the core work of grief.   Making adjustments involves stepping through at least four phases of re-orienting yourself to life.  As many counselors do, when I explain grief, I usually draw an inverted bell-shaped curve on a blank sheet of paper.  The curve slopes downward on the left side, and back up on the right.   

Beginning on the left, the first, initial impact phase is the shock of it all, likely including some numbness, denial, and maybe even some  erratic emotional reactions.  Second phase, wrestling with reality, is where the anger and fear may kick in with searching for answers, and sometimes some panic feelings with an incident of high impact.  A third phase, dealing with the pain, is at the bottom of the curve.  This Is where the feeling and emotions need to be identified and worked through to resolution.  Things like guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, loneliness, abandonment, powerlessness, depression, and confusion are normal responses and felt in varying degrees by different people.   Resolving to a tolerable degree of  pain may take time--hours, days, months, and years for deeper losses.  Time periods for grieving losses  are also unique to the individual.  

 This process is much too involved to completely describe here, but an important key is to permit  yourself to feel.  That might sound strange, but most of us have been taught to ignore, deny, or minimize, as much as possible, the emotional part of our being.  Dumbing down emotions without first discovering the message they are trying to relay to us, is a perilous mistake.  Be honest with yourself and name the feelings and emotions.  This is the phase of grieving where many people get stuck.  Even if you give up (intentionally or unintentionally) on grief, grief will never give up on you.  Grief is real.  If not processed through, it can haunt you the rest of your life.  If the unpleasant emotion is too hard to work through, seek out a good counselor to help you to recovery.

Recovery is on the way when you can start to look back and see your quality of life returning in a positive direction to what it was before the loss.  Recovery is a process of re-organizing your life and finding new hope for the future.  After job loss, for example, a person may develop a new skill, or discover a hidden  talent that helps them find a more suitable job than their previous employment.  Recovery is being able to say, “If I hadn’t lost my job, I wouldn’t be in a better place today.”   Things like new skills, new relationships, new beliefs, and ways of seeing things around you, all provide hope.   Hope is what keeps us going.  The journey isn’t always a smooth ride neatly progressing through the phases.  There may be some degree of victory, and then another reminder, negative event, or trigger raises more concerns or things to process.  Re-processing is not to be considered a setback, but growth.  Growing involves periods of stretching.  

As believers in Christ, our true hope is in the Lord, as our Bible tells us.  God is at the center of this entire process and as we walk with Jesus, he transforms our heart along the way.  The inner person healing journey is very similar to working through grief.  New understanding and practice of forgiveness is often a part of this. Refer to my previous articles for more on pursuing transformation and sanctification.  

 The process of grieving losses described above can be as reflective and prayerful as you choose to make it.  The greater the seriousness you give it, the greater the potential blessing God has for you on the recovery side.  Grief can be viewed as a gift to give us an invitation to press into God to know him more, and be known by him.  

Whether you work with God to respond  to loss, or not, there is one more thing to consider.  Unresolved grief produces high levels of toxic stress.  When this stress becomes intolerable, very unhealthy things occur.  One of three scenarios is likely--victim, survivor, or rescuer.  A victim interprets life from a poverty mindset and acts out by rejecting (victimizing) self or others.  A survivor stuffs the pain, and appears to have survived with a decent level of functionality, but losing control is always a threat.  A rescuer turns to unwittingly helping others out of their pain to compensate for their own lack of pain processing.   Examining ourselves to see where we may have tendencies of victim, survivor, or rescuer can make us aware of unprocessed pain.

           Although I’ve barely scratched the surface of this topic, please give it more consideration.  If you are struggling, you are not strange and you are not beyond hope.  Reach out to someone you trust today.  If you want someone to pray with or discuss this more, give me a call.  If I can be of help to your group (online or in person when we are allowed to return to gathering), please call.  I have helped many people through this process, and I have my own grief to process as well.  

My prayer is that we are willing to do the hard work of grieving losses, to become more resilient and better prepared to help as help is needed in our communities.  

Note:  Sometimes accumulated losses (many losses in a short period of time) can have a similar affect as a traumatic event.  Trauma complicates this process and puts you at greater risk of doing harm.  If you are having lingering thoughts of suicide or hurting someone else, call for emergency help immediately.

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry