Emotional Capacity

The term emotional intelligence (EI)  has become a buzz word to address the role of emotion in relationships, work, organization, and family environments.  But most of what we hear on this topic has very little to do with emotions.  EI seems to have more to do with cognitive awareness and attempts to avoid or subdue emotions.    

I think Emotional Capacity (EC) is a better way to consider the emotional aspects of the human creature.  Intellect draws on the memory bank of the mind, but the capacity of emotional experience goes deeper to the heart of a person.  Unwanted feelings may produce unpleasant emotions, but the capacity to change these to pleasant emotions requires more than a mere decision to change.  Deeper qualities of love, joy, peace,  temperance, gratitude, contentment, kindness, and faithfulness must go beyond the imagination to provide meaning for ourselves and others around us.  

EI focuses on controlling behaviors. EC focuses on positively influencing behaviors by expanding core belief systems to engage and enrich a person . Mere cognitive awareness of emotion does not produce transformation.   Inside out change is much more rewarding, productive, and longer lasting.  

Emotions carry messages.  The messages they report are gathered from thoughts and feelings about the environment.  Who we are as a person is based on our constant evaluation of our value and worth in our environment.  Therefore, our identity directly relates to our EC.  

EC can be defined as the ability to interpret and express inner emotional messages with unshaken assurance of personal worth and identity.  

I discovered valuable insights on EC by reading things by Dr. Richard Ecker.  We learn how to navigate our environment by developing coping skills.  Ecker points to Webster’s definition of coping as “successful striving.”  In the Emotional Survival Training Manual, he writes that coping, “is the ability to stand and endure in the face of difficult circumstances— or maneuver to avoid them. But we do not cope when we merely stand and endure or run and hide. We cope when we strive actively against the realities we face— and succeed.”  

  Ecker also says, “Typically, coping success is believed to be tied to the ultimate outcome of the situation that has made the coping necessary. If the outcome is good from the standpoint of the individual who is trying to cope, then that person is generally considered to have coped successfully. If the outcome is undesirable, then most people tend to feel that they coped badly. The fact is, outcomes have nothing at all to do with whether or not an individual coped successfully with the situation. The only real measure of coping success is whether or not that person emerged from the encounter with a positive feeling of personal value— that is, has successfully striven.”  

Cope-ability is based on increasing a sense of God-given personal value and worthfulness.  Let me distinguish between self-worth and self-esteem. Value and worth is an attribute given by God inherent in the existence of every human life.  Nothing a person does (or doesn’t do) can add or detract from the image of God in personhood.  Esteeming self by ex halting one’s human ability to create or maintain superior value, is not the kind of striving discussed here.  Selfish satisfaction of personal desire works against the created order of God.  Self-worth is selflessly accepting and  loving the person who God made you to be.  

Ecker says,  “if you learn how to confront the realities of life in such a way that you can emerge from each experience with a positive sense of personal worth, then you can gain from each experience valuable equipment that will make you even more successful in succeeding confrontations.”   Increasing emotional capacity is the goal.  Accepting your unconditional personal worth is the means to that goal.  

In order to obtain the full message from emotion, one must be able to identify specific thoughts and feelings and determine the reality of their impact.  EC allows a person to feel.  Fear of feeling, shuts a person down so that the true messages being sent by emotions are not received.  If a person denies or minimizes the feeling of sad, they will also not be able to feel glad.  Pushing away the feeling of alone, will also prohibit a feeling of belonging.  Refusing to feel wherein one’s discontent lies, will also limit the capacity to feel true contentment.  Whatever negative feeling is avoided will inevitably cut off the ability to feel the positive counterpart.   

Anger management, for example, without anger engagement, may actually diminish one’s EC.  (see article http://authoredhersh.blogspot.com/2015/09/anger-management-or-anger-engagement.html)  Anger is a surface emotion in that a deeper message is always behind the anger.  If feelings like rejection, guilt, or shame are the source of the anger, a cause nor solution have no chance of being discovered if the anger is merely “controlled” and not also engaged at a deeper level. EI may offer a solution to anger that would include withdrawing from situations that make you angry.  EC would build the ability to cope with the inner source of anger so that tougher and tougher situations can be endured without triggering the anger.   

At one time or another, we all face overwhelming emotional circumstances in life.  Our coping skills have limitations based on our perceptions of our personal worth.  Our capacity to overcome (or lack thereof), is most significantly influenced by our parents and the people in our background who shaped core beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.  

Another thing to realize is that negative feelings are the default mode of our human condition. From birth we feel things like the following without having to take lessons: rejected, deserted, left out, ashamed, trashy, unfit, unworthy, anxious, desperate, fearful, powerless, helpless, oppressed, weak, damaged, flawed, inferior, insignificant, unappreciated, unloved, defeated, hopeless, disoriented, and depressed.  From a very young age we assimilate these into our concept of self-worth and unconsciously create conditions for accepting love and affirmation from other people.  We form habits of interpreting and expressing inner emotional messages that condemn rather than build up.  When this negativity is reinforced or aggravated by those around us, developing a positive sense of self-worth is all the more difficult.  

It takes some effort to increase the capacity of the emotional part of our being, but it is worth every bit of effort.  Building resilience  is like filling a reservoir with clean water in preparation for an unknown drought season.  We may not know when the next crisis or conflict tests our stamina or stability, but we know our personal worth is not based on how the situation turns out.  We fill our soul with “clean water” by uncovering and healing the source of damaged self-concept, learning and developing new coping skills, and replacing bad habits with good habits.   

In the next article I will address more of the how to’s for increasing emotional capacity.  

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry

Truth for Success

            I attended a seminar last week with Andy Andrews.  The thoughts expressed here are sparked by things he shared.  Mr. Andrews has written some books you would find worth reading.  One book called The Traveler's Gift is a motivating  allegory  presenting  these seven principles of success:

 1.  The buck stops here.  I am responsible for my past and my future.

 2.  I will seek wisdom.  I will be a servant to others.

 3.  I am a person of action.  I seize this moment. I choose now.

 4.   I have a decided heart.  My destiny is assured.

 5.  Today I will choose to be happy.  I am the possessor of a grateful spirit.

 6.   I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit.  I will forgive myself.

 7.   I will persist without exception.  I am a person of great faith.

            Much of what Andy shared centered around the theme that anything worth experiencing in life must be based on truth.  There is great truth in each of these seven dynamic principles, but in order to find it, we must be transparent and completely honest with self.  We all have garnered belief systems that get in the way of truth.  Our ability to change inaccurate beliefs is limited because we don't know what we don't know.  And, what we don't know, CAN hurt us! 

            Sometimes our application of what we believe to be true, gets in the way of the real truth.  For example, it is very true that diligence and hard work lead to success.  However, work-o-holism or working to extreme without proper rest will lead to burnout and perhaps blowout.  As another example, it is true that compassion and empathy are necessary in your relationships, but the truth is that any relationship without proper boundaries will lead to disappointment for one or both parties. A good question to ask ourselves sometimes is, "Am I falling short of the truth, by holding on too tightly to something partly true?” 

            Another false assumption is that more knowledge makes things better.  Knowledge and wisdom are quite different.  Truth may be attained through knowledge, but truth can only be applied with wisdom.  Wisdom exercises discernment which comes through a process of transforming the way we think and feel about things that shape our core belief systems.  That explains why some people who are well-informed and educated can make serious errors of judgment.  Education does not always translate into positive transformation. 

            Success is something we all desire, but few are willing and able to submit to the process to attain it.   Truth is always true whether you believe it or not.  Your reality is based on your perception of truth which is shaped by your beliefs.  But your beliefs never become reality unless you act on them.  In that sense, you are in control of your own destiny.  You can choose to be happy, to forgive, and to have faith by persisting even when success seems to have eluded you for the moment. 

            I'll wrap up with a few more questions.  If the truth sets us free from ignorance, error, and pain, why don't more of us want more truth in our lives more of the time?  If you are believing something that is not true, it may be limiting your path and faith for future success.  If something you believe is obstructing the truth, do you really want to know what it is, and how to get past it?  Sometimes finding misbeliefs and falsehoods take you on what seems like a detour, but there are people ready to help you along the way.  We all carry baggage that makes it harder to seek the truth. 

            Are you ready to take responsibility for clearing a path for truth to reveal itself in your life?   Are you ready to apply the seven principles above to keep you moving in the right direction?  Since human nature is rarely able to be honest with self, "Are you willing and able to truly hear what other people perceive in your speech and actions?  I ask you these questions because they are some of the ones I used to try to keep my own journey on track.  I wrestle with the challenges to be truthful with self, and I don't always win, but success is very rewarding.  Give it a try.  The truth is; only YOU can do what is true to the purpose for which you were created by the God who defines Truth.   May truth be a blessing for your success today! 

                Note:   A book I authored Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart discusses truth for dealing with disappointments, offense and finding freedom through forgiveness.  See more info. by clicking here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm . 

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry

Overcoming Depression

 Depression can be thought of in two major categories—circumstantial and chemical malfunction.  Chronic depression caused by brain sickness is less common in the overall spectrum of depression experiences and will not be addressed here.  However, depressed mood is something every person faces at one time or another and can strike at any time.

Depression usually stems from unresolved disappointment.  Disappointments and losses occur in varying frequencies and intensities creating many different reactions and symptoms of body, mind, and heart.  If your depression is disrupting daily functions in your life, you should seek help from a trusted friend or counselor to avoid becoming a harm to yourself or someone else.  However, especially if depression is a fairly new occurrence in your life, be aware that depressed mood is very common (normal) and accompanies an often necessary process of grieving losses in life experiences. For example, if a close friend or relative of yours recently died, the physical loss is accompanied by emotional losses of the relationship.  The loss creates the need to acknowledge the impact of the event, deal with the realities, and adjust to find new hope and ways of having legitimate needs met.  This grieving process may include intense depressing thoughts and feelings before you can find a way to accept the changes and move on to a more rewarding life.

            Other losses such as health problems, job and career changes, relationship breakups, physical injuries, family turmoil, and faith shake-ups create similar normal depressive thoughts and feelings. Instead of denying or numbing the emotional impact, the healthiest path to adjustment includes dealing with the pain and difficulties.  The emotion of anger, for example, is often part of depression.   In my recent article called Anger Management or Anger Engagement I share more detail how to battle the anger.  http://authoredhersh.blogspot.com/2015/09/anger-management-or-anger-engagement.html .

 Besides depressed mood, the clinical definition of depression includes examining other symptoms such as excessive body weight gain or loss, sleeping more or less, psychomotor changes, fatigue, difficulty concentrating or thoughts of death.  Mental health experts agree on some common coping strategies such as increase physical activity, avoid isolating yourself from other people, engage in activities that once liked to do, watch a funny movie, and avoid punishing yourself for feeling bad.  Seeing a medical doctor to rule out physical problems is recommended.  These and all the coping mechanisms in the world will not be enough if one core issue is not dealt with. That issue is self concept.  A person’s perception of self-worth governs everything about a person’s behavior.  Our inner person health centers around our perceived worthfulness in view of God and other people around us.  Many of my blog articles show how this is true and the one I mention above on the topic of anger is especially relevant to depression. 

            As for me, I have discovered God’s love as the solution to my self worth dilemmas and a place of refuge to escape depression.  As part of my formal education in psychology, I discovered I fit the definition of clinical depression, but never had been diagnosed.  To this day I’ve never taken medication to treat depression (neither legal nor illegal substances).  My background includes severe injury during the birth process that caused me to live my life as a legally blind person.  I’ve overcome many challenges, but depression is something that lurks to steal the joy of the sweetest successes.  I sometimes identify with the Psalmist who asks, “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?” (Psalm 13:2)   

            Many peoples’ stories recorded in the Bible include symptoms of depression.  The Psalms in particular describe vivid bouts of depression and its close cousin, anxiety.  I read, sing, and interact with the Psalms each day to find Refuge from the storms of thoughts of defeat and disaster.  See http://authoredhersh.blogspot.com/2011/05/refuge-of-psalm-7.html for an example.

            If you are dealing with depression may I encourage you to turn to God as the best source for hope for lasting change. Also seek help from a counselor who can point you in a Refuge direction.  If someone close to you is struggling with depression, consider how you may become more empathetic to this struggle so you can offer appropriate (non-condemning) help.  If you’re not affected by depression at the present time, praise God, and let God remove any emotional “baggage” so you are better prepared to weather well any storms of life that may be ahead.  Prevention is always the healthiest strategy (see http://authoredhersh.blogspot.com/2015/03/taking-out-trash.html ). 

            May I encourage you to allow hope to rise within you.  Hope is a guaranteed way to overcome depression.  Personal growth expert Jim Rohn says, “Success is not something you pursue; it’s something you attract.  You attract success by becoming a more attractive person.”  I think this applies to hope as well.  You attract hope by becoming a more hopeful person.  Hope is more than wishful thinking.  There are always new things to learn, new skills to develop, new people to get to know, and new perspectives to discover about God and his love.  When expectations see failure, hope sees the substance for the future.  Hope can never disappoint.  Hope resolves uncertainties and puts depression in its place.

                Note:   The book Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart discusses themes of dealing with disappointments, offense and finding freedom in forgiveness.  This book is designed to help people (especially in the Christian faith)  to discover and dislodge things in life that lead to defeat. Don't miss out on your chance to use this book as a helpful tool in discovering Refuge in Christ. It can be purchased by clicking here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm .

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry

Happiness

            In a free society the pursuit of happiness is a fundamental right, correct?  At first glance, that's what the US Declaration of Independence seems to indicate.  However, is happiness the goal, or the fruit of a goal?    

            Darren Hardy, editor of Success Magazine says, "Happiness is not a pursuit; it's a choice. Happiness is a state of mind;  obtainable at any time, in any moment of your choosing."  Psychiatrist and concentration camp survivor Viktor Frankl says, "It's the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness."

            Happiness is not found in pursuing pleasure in an event(s), but it's about enjoying the journey.  It is fine to feel pleasure, but this temporary condition should not be confused with happiness.  Feelings of happiness and joy are produced by a pursuit of significance, purpose, and meaning in life. 

            Two specific actions are guaranteed to produce happiness:   expressing gratitude and making someone else happy.  First of all, when we are thankful, we allow no room for unthankful thoughts in our brain.  Intentional gratefulness, including sitting down and making a list of things we can be thankful for, leaves no space for unhappiness to take root in our mind.  Blessing someone else is also an automatic buster of unhappy thoughts.  "It is better to give than to receive" always holds out when trying to find significance and meaning for your existence. 

            Experts evaluate levels of happiness by focusing on success in four main areas of life;  1) material abundance, 2) love and relationships, 3) health and well-being, and 4) spirituality.   There are physical (biological) benefits to happiness.  When you're contented, your brain functions better.  Your immune system is optimized,  neither aggressively producing too many chemicals and not too suppressed. disallowing foreign substances to invade the body.  This balance is necessary for the health of the whole person. 

            Finding "success" in a particular venture, career, relationship, possession etc. doesn't necessarily mean you will be happy.  Success must be defined holistically.  Many people incorrectly believe that happiness comes from the types of things they own or the kind of career they pursue, but true happiness (peace and joy) is more about a person’s character than anything else.  Happiness is not so much based on what you do,  but who you are.  For example, happiness cannot be based on the number and size of houses you own.  After all, you can only live in one house at a time.  You can only physically be in one room of one house at a time no matter how large it is and how many other "toys" there are in other rooms.  Life's meaning is found in being present in each moment, with each person, in each place, making the most of each circumstance (fated by choice or otherwise).   Inspirational speaker Jim Rohn says happiness must be woven.  It must be woven with care.  Happiness is created by intention and skill in weaving a basket strong enough to hold the fruit of good character.  Rohn says, "You can be happy with what you got, while you pursue what you want."   The more unfavorable your circumstances (ie. loss of job, house, relationship, status) the more challenging it may be to embrace this truth.  Accepting a difficult circumstance  (created by your own bad choices or the bad choices of others) can be a serious roadblock to overcome, but it CAN be overcome.

            Dale Carnegie also contrasts success and happiness when he says, “Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.”  Happiness is in deciding to enjoy the journey more than the event.  Misplaced expectations and misjudgments about happiness can create a lot of disappointment and frustration in life. But, no matter how desperate things appear, there is always something to be thankful for, some reason to find hope.  For many, faith in God is a vital source of hope.  Research has shown and it is commonly understood that faith is an important element in a person’s physical, emotional and mental health.  A great proverb says, “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:13).   Spiritual health is an important element in a person’s overall health condition. 

            Happiness is not an entitlement. Desires and dreams are not enough to achieve happiness.  Hope is not merely wishful thinking.  True hope is, "Confidence in a future event; the highest degree of well founded expectation of good; as a hope founded on God's gracious promises" (Webster's 1828 Dictionary)   Happiness is realized when you combine confident expectation with things like gratitude, blessing other people, work ethic, eating well, and giving God his rightful place in your life. 

            I understand that some people reading this may feel they have tried all that and life still doesn't seem to contain the happiness they desire.  If that is you, may I encourage you to seek help from a trusted friend or counselor to find some answers.  My sincere hope is that you can find true happiness in your life today!

                Note:   The book Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart discusses themes of dealing with disappointments, offense and finding freedom in forgiveness.  This book is designed to help people (especially in the Christian faith)  to discover and dislodge things in life that lead to defeat. Don't miss out on your chance to use this book as a helpful tool in discovering Refuge in Christ. It can be purchased by clicking here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm . If you get anywhere near Pennsylvania for vacation or on business, be sure to look us up for lodging at  http://bluerockbnb.com 

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry

Successful Change

Positive change requires open-mindedness. Many people are not as open-minded as they think they are. Why?  Because open-mindedness requires change, and change is often uncomfortable and sometimes it hurts. Sometimes change involves extreme effort and pain.  Nature reveals many illustrations of morphing from one state of being to another. Look at the butterfly. It came from a caterpillar. A symbol of beauty came from a pest. Attractiveness came from unattractiveness. A successful, desired result came from a seemingly unsuccessful, undesired circumstance. But what happened to bring about this result?

It's called death--death of what we know, to live for what we do not know. It can also be described as closing out one way of thinking and being, to prepare for a new way. The caterpillar must live for the purpose of dying in order to fulfill the destiny of becoming a butterfly. That's where the effort comes in. It exists for the purpose of one day spinning a cocoon which becomes the vehicle for transformation.  Emerging from the cocoon is where the pain comes in. The butterfly enters the world with great and necessary travail. No short cuts can be taken anywhere in the process. There are no wings to fly without strength built up by forcefully shedding the cocoon. There is no butterfly without a cocoon. There is no cocoon without a caterpillar. There is no caterpillar without the butterfly's egg. 

What is different about human nature? Humans possess choice. That's where open-mindedness comes in. We have a choice to "die to self" and surrender to the cocooning process to be morphed into a new nature. Change is inevitable, but we have a choice as to whether change will move us in a positive or negative direction. Much of what happens in our world is out of our control, but it's amazing how different our world can be when we recognize, engage, and empower the  motivation to change the things within our control. Most people fail to change their undesirable circumstances, not because of inability to perform, but because of their inability to submit their performance to a process of change which points them in a positive direction. As a believer in God as the sovereign Creator, He is the One who has the power to effect ultimate change, and breathe life into the existence of mankind.   

Many people confuse wishes with desires. It's one thing to wish for improvement of circumstances, but it's another thing to desire the necessary change in yourself for improvement to happen. It was Gandhi who said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." The world is not made a better place by the caterpillar wishing to be a butterfly. The world welcomes the presence of a butterfly because a caterpillar submitted its desire to the process of weaving a cocoon. As we desire to become the caterpillars we were meant to be in the world, we will become the butterflies we were meant to be. 

Comparatively, simply wishing for an emotionally pain-free existence will not overcome the disappointment, worry, or confusion in life.  It may make you feel better temporarily to complain about things, blame people, or justify yourself when something bad happens, but complaining, blaming, or justifying will not produce successful change. Lasting positive change will only occur when you take responsibility for things within your power to change, and surrender responsibility for those things not meant for you to change.  

In my book I relate this theme specifically to the topic of forgiveness and reconciliation. Many people think they have forgiven when in reality all they've done is wish for their situation to improve. Based on my research and experience observing actual practices,     in most cases, a deeper desire for inner change is still necessary for genuine freedom through forgiveness. If you are open to changing your thinking about the topic, I invite you to read and study the book. I do not claim to have the final word on the topic, but I promise you will gain at least a few nuggets that will help you succeed with positive change in your life.

       Note:  The book Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart discusses themes of dealing with offense and finding freedom in forgiveness.  This book is designed to help people (especially in the Christian faith)  to discover and dislodge things in life that lead to defeat. Don't miss out on your chance to use this book as a helpful tool in discovering Refuge in Christ. It can be purchased by clicking here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm . If you get anywhere near PA for vacation or on business, be sure to look us up for lodging at  http://bluerockbnb.com 

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry