Emotional Capacity

The term emotional intelligence (EI)  has become a buzz word to address the role of emotion in relationships, work, organization, and family environments.  But most of what we hear on this topic has very little to do with emotions.  EI seems to have more to do with cognitive awareness and attempts to avoid or subdue emotions.    

I think Emotional Capacity (EC) is a better way to consider the emotional aspects of the human creature.  Intellect draws on the memory bank of the mind, but the capacity of emotional experience goes deeper to the heart of a person.  Unwanted feelings may produce unpleasant emotions, but the capacity to change these to pleasant emotions requires more than a mere decision to change.  Deeper qualities of love, joy, peace,  temperance, gratitude, contentment, kindness, and faithfulness must go beyond the imagination to provide meaning for ourselves and others around us.  

EI focuses on controlling behaviors. EC focuses on positively influencing behaviors by expanding core belief systems to engage and enrich a person . Mere cognitive awareness of emotion does not produce transformation.   Inside out change is much more rewarding, productive, and longer lasting.  

Emotions carry messages.  The messages they report are gathered from thoughts and feelings about the environment.  Who we are as a person is based on our constant evaluation of our value and worth in our environment.  Therefore, our identity directly relates to our EC.  

EC can be defined as the ability to interpret and express inner emotional messages with unshaken assurance of personal worth and identity.  

I discovered valuable insights on EC by reading things by Dr. Richard Ecker.  We learn how to navigate our environment by developing coping skills.  Ecker points to Webster’s definition of coping as “successful striving.”  In the Emotional Survival Training Manual, he writes that coping, “is the ability to stand and endure in the face of difficult circumstances— or maneuver to avoid them. But we do not cope when we merely stand and endure or run and hide. We cope when we strive actively against the realities we face— and succeed.”  

  Ecker also says, “Typically, coping success is believed to be tied to the ultimate outcome of the situation that has made the coping necessary. If the outcome is good from the standpoint of the individual who is trying to cope, then that person is generally considered to have coped successfully. If the outcome is undesirable, then most people tend to feel that they coped badly. The fact is, outcomes have nothing at all to do with whether or not an individual coped successfully with the situation. The only real measure of coping success is whether or not that person emerged from the encounter with a positive feeling of personal value— that is, has successfully striven.”  

Cope-ability is based on increasing a sense of God-given personal value and worthfulness.  Let me distinguish between self-worth and self-esteem. Value and worth is an attribute given by God inherent in the existence of every human life.  Nothing a person does (or doesn’t do) can add or detract from the image of God in personhood.  Esteeming self by ex halting one’s human ability to create or maintain superior value, is not the kind of striving discussed here.  Selfish satisfaction of personal desire works against the created order of God.  Self-worth is selflessly accepting and  loving the person who God made you to be.  

Ecker says,  “if you learn how to confront the realities of life in such a way that you can emerge from each experience with a positive sense of personal worth, then you can gain from each experience valuable equipment that will make you even more successful in succeeding confrontations.”   Increasing emotional capacity is the goal.  Accepting your unconditional personal worth is the means to that goal.  

In order to obtain the full message from emotion, one must be able to identify specific thoughts and feelings and determine the reality of their impact.  EC allows a person to feel.  Fear of feeling, shuts a person down so that the true messages being sent by emotions are not received.  If a person denies or minimizes the feeling of sad, they will also not be able to feel glad.  Pushing away the feeling of alone, will also prohibit a feeling of belonging.  Refusing to feel wherein one’s discontent lies, will also limit the capacity to feel true contentment.  Whatever negative feeling is avoided will inevitably cut off the ability to feel the positive counterpart.   

Anger management, for example, without anger engagement, may actually diminish one’s EC.  (see article http://authoredhersh.blogspot.com/2015/09/anger-management-or-anger-engagement.html)  Anger is a surface emotion in that a deeper message is always behind the anger.  If feelings like rejection, guilt, or shame are the source of the anger, a cause nor solution have no chance of being discovered if the anger is merely “controlled” and not also engaged at a deeper level. EI may offer a solution to anger that would include withdrawing from situations that make you angry.  EC would build the ability to cope with the inner source of anger so that tougher and tougher situations can be endured without triggering the anger.   

At one time or another, we all face overwhelming emotional circumstances in life.  Our coping skills have limitations based on our perceptions of our personal worth.  Our capacity to overcome (or lack thereof), is most significantly influenced by our parents and the people in our background who shaped core beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.  

Another thing to realize is that negative feelings are the default mode of our human condition. From birth we feel things like the following without having to take lessons: rejected, deserted, left out, ashamed, trashy, unfit, unworthy, anxious, desperate, fearful, powerless, helpless, oppressed, weak, damaged, flawed, inferior, insignificant, unappreciated, unloved, defeated, hopeless, disoriented, and depressed.  From a very young age we assimilate these into our concept of self-worth and unconsciously create conditions for accepting love and affirmation from other people.  We form habits of interpreting and expressing inner emotional messages that condemn rather than build up.  When this negativity is reinforced or aggravated by those around us, developing a positive sense of self-worth is all the more difficult.  

It takes some effort to increase the capacity of the emotional part of our being, but it is worth every bit of effort.  Building resilience  is like filling a reservoir with clean water in preparation for an unknown drought season.  We may not know when the next crisis or conflict tests our stamina or stability, but we know our personal worth is not based on how the situation turns out.  We fill our soul with “clean water” by uncovering and healing the source of damaged self-concept, learning and developing new coping skills, and replacing bad habits with good habits.   

In the next article I will address more of the how to’s for increasing emotional capacity.  

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry

Anger Management or Anger Engagement

            Can anger be your friend?  It depends.  Anger is what I call a "surface" emotion.  Anger is only a messenger of a deeper inner message.  So, yes, if you are willing to be vulnerable enough to find out what that message is and respond appropriately, anger can actually be your friend.  If however, you allow your anger to turn to bitterness, resentment, rage, or revenge, anger can become the most destructive enemy imaginable. 

            People feel anger in different ways, with varying intensities, and for different reasons.  Feelings like disappointment, frustration, annoyance, irritation, aggravation, and infuriation are a normal part of the human experience.  But when these valid feelings of anger are rooted in things like self pity, critical judgment, or selfish ambition, invalid transgressions follow.   When, as a student for example, you receive a C grade on a test you thought you aced, being upset is valid, but it's your actions in response that identify your motivations.  If you respond by complaining about the test conditions, blaming the teacher, or justifying your incorrect answers to the questions on the test, the experience is likely to become a defeat.  If on the other hand, you receive the lower-than-expected grade as a motivator to improve your study habits or to seek help to understand the material better, the same experience can become an opportunity for growth and development. 

            Being aware of your behavior and making changes for the better (anger management) is a good thing.  But even better is making yourself vulnerable enough to explore origins of the anger feelings and engage resolution with a higher power outside yourself.  The deepest inner person growth occurs when you not only manage your responses, but you discover and root out the negative core thoughts and beliefs driving the feelings and actions.  When you believe your inner voice telling you that "You're not capable," "You're no good," "You'll never amount to anything," "You're not lovable," "You'll never belong," "You'll never get it right," etc., you will most assuredly act to fulfill those beliefs.  No matter how hard you try to change your behavior, if you do not change negative core beliefs you render yourself powerless to achieve the most lasting change for healthy growth. 

            Every human wants to know love and belonging.  What we believe about ourselves (self-concept) is shaped primarily by our experiences meeting needs of love and belonging. Our deepest hurts have to do with lack or fear of lack of sustainable love and acceptance.  To the degree we perceive this scarcity we become angry with ourselves or our world until we can regain enough perceived worth to go on.  Hence, when you grant yourself the vulnerability to feel beyond the surface of anger, the emotion of shame is the most revealing. 

            A topic big enough for another conversation is the role of shame in our belief system.  Shame and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown defines shame this way, "Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging" (see her book Daring Greatly).  Shame is an emotion packed with pain and a powerful motivator.  All negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves are connected somehow to lack of self-worth which presents itself as shame.  Shame is different from guilt.  Guilt is based on what I do, whereas shame is based on who I am.  Confusing the two has the effect of meshing our performance with who we are as a person.  A perosn's  worth is not based on his performance, but solely on the fact that he is human.  

            When sorting out anger responses, it is essential to make this distinction.  Are you mad at a person's actions (whether yourself or another), or have you fused his actions with who he is as a person?  Are you perceiving him as transgressor or jerk (guilt-based or shame-based judgment)?  A person can behave differently to correct guilt, but performance cannot correct shame.  Love corrects shame.  Humans are wired for love and belonging so that love and belonging corrects shame.  Shame expressions in things like self-pity, critical judgment, or selfish ambition mentioned above are often very hard to detect.  We are good at hiding shame.  Expressing anger is Ca very common way of masking shame.

            When you catch yourself being critically judgmental of a person (instead of just his actions) here is another scary thought.  This shaming of the person is the result of your very own shame being tapped into.  You cannot shame another without first shaming yourself.  To condemn another is to condemn yourself.   If you are serious about being a more courageous, compassionate, and connecting person, I highly recommend reading the book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are  by Brene Brown. 

            Our world seems to present more opportunities for disappointment and anger-producing feeling every day.  One of three choices will determine your future.   One, denying anger only sets you up for bigger problems later.  Two, managing anger provides some temporary coping mechanisms.  Three, engaging the underlying emotion through vulnerability will banish or dissolve anger's destructive flames. 

            For followers of Christ anger is not  automatically conquered when you first welcome God into your life.  The ultimate act of vulnerability is to receive God’s son Jesus, not only as the One who frees from the guilt of transgression, but also bears our shame (Isaiah 53:3).   Growing in your relationship with God involves growing in your vulnerability and surrender to God's ways.

            It's okay to feel.  It's okay to feel uncomfortable feelings.  It may seem scary to let yourself intentionally feel your anger in order to find deeper feelings of lack and unworthiness, invalidation, powerlessness, incompetence, unlovableness, loneliness, fear of not belonging, self-rejection, and other shame-based thoughts and feelings.  May I encourage you to be vulnerable today.  Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness.   It takes courage to meet the weakness of anger with the strength of vulnerability.  No one else can do this for you.  Put anger in its place, each time it tries to invade your space.

                Note:   The book Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart discusses themes of dealing with disappointments, offense and finding freedom in forgiveness.  This book is designed to help people (especially in the Christian faith)  to discover and dislodge things in life that lead to defeat. Don't miss out on your chance to use this book as a helpful tool in discovering Refuge in Christ. It can be purchased by clicking here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm .

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry