The Unoffendable Heart

I explained in the previous article how self-honesty and humility are keys to building our mental and emotional health.  I discussed unrecognized offense as a barrier to experiencing the true benefits of forgiveness.  Since forgiveness is at the core of the Christian faith, I will explore this further specifically for the Christ-followers.  

I hear Christians use the expression “unoffendable heart,” but often what is being communicated is not healthy and not Christ-centered. I think the unoffendable heart is a myth.  I can say “yes” to refusing to allow offense to take root and wreck relationships.  I can say “yes” to not allowing offense to steal inner peace.  But denying the existence of offense can destroy inner peace and authenticity in relationships.

First, let’s explore the definition of offense.  The word offense has multiple meanings in the English language making it sometimes difficult to communicate about the topic.  The Webster’s 1828 dictionary list six definitions using the following words and phrases; displeasure, anger, scandal, cause of stumbling, transgression of law, crime, sin, act of wickedness or omission of duty, injury, attack, assault, or impediment.  The same word “offense” can be used to describe both the offending behavior, and the inner response on the part of the person offended.  The offense may be real or just perceived by an offended person.  It may be genuine or imagined.  It may be intentional or unintentional on the part of the offender.  The word, by itself, does not make these distinctions.  

Because of the broken world we live in, offense is part of life.  Sometimes we are on the offended side of the coin, but sometimes we are an offender.  We crave justice when we are the one offended, and we crave mercy when we are the offender.  Taking offense in our heart  is sometimes unavoidable.  Accidents happen.   Losses occur. Changes, criticisms, conflicts etc. are part of common human experience.  Feelings are hurt.  The greater the loss caused by offense, generally the deeper it effects our heart condition.  To deny or minimize the emotional impact of loss created by offense can be very destructive to our physical and mental condition.   While we cannot control many of the things (and certainly not the people) around us,  we CAN control our responses to them.  Though our heart can not always be shielded from offense, we can choose to respond in an unoffendable manner. Inner heart condition must be distinguished from outward actions and reactions, however, the inner life determines these actions.      

Jesus himself teaches about a requirement for heart transformation as part of discipleship.  He says, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him or her.  For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder,  adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly.  All these evils come from inside and defile a person.” (Mark 7:20-23).  In the book of Matthew Jesus also taught that actions (offenses) like murder and adultery have bitter root offenses at their origin. The outward action is not the only offense, but also the inner life that created these actions.    “You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment.’  But I say, if you are even angry with someone,  you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot,  you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone,  you are in danger of the fires of hell” (Matthew 5:21-23; NLT).  Thinking of a person with condemnation is both an offense, and the origin of offensive actions. As a person who has been offended, you become an offender yourself when you cross the line from judging their actions as wrong, to critically judging them for who they are as a person (calling them an idiot as Jesus is quoted above).   

Condemning judgments are also addressed in other parts of the Bible.  A strong warning says, “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:15).  

Inner bitterness and resentment are created by critical judgments which end in  “defiling” a person’s actions and relationships.  The anger we feel when we are offended contains the roots for bitterness and resentment to form.    It says in Ephesians, “In your anger do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26).  It is not a sin to feel anger, but it is wrong to allow anger to create an inner condition of things like bitterness, resentment, and condemnation.   

So, as I see it, to claim an “unoffendable” heart is to ignore feelings God gives us as warnings of danger.  The enemy of our soul uses bitter roots to steal our peace and joy as well as causing the defilement mentioned above.  The truth is, without Jesus, our heart is “offensive” to God.  Being born into a broken world means we are born with a broken heart.  Our broken condition is not correctable without Christ Jesus.  We can try in our own strength to forgive an offense, or avoid being an offender on the other side of the coin, but those efforts are limited by our frail human condition.  It is the offended heart that points us to Jesus.  As a disciple of Jesus, the solution to offense is forgiveness (see John 20:21-23).   

Forgiveness is a Gift given by God.  The work of forgiveness has been accomplished by God’s Son Jesus.  We esteem Jesus (and the work he did in dying on the cross), by allowing Him to be the guilty one for our offenses (see Isaiah 53:3).  If we claim not to be offendable, we bypass what Jesus did, and take on the work that was done for us, through Jesus.  Decisions made solely based on our own human strength and will power amount to self-righteousness.  Our righteousness comes through faith is Christ alone (see Philippians 3:7-11).  Our faith is demonstrated by surrendering our offended heart to Jesus.  If we claim an unoffendable status of heart, we nullify any need for faith in Jesus.  

Too often the "unoffendable heart" becomes an excuse for not being willing to confront a critiical judgments.  Our default human nature prefers to deny offenses and pretend they don't exist.  So the “unoffendable heart” becomes a code word for saying, "I'm not going to let myself consider the possibility that I might be bitter, holding a grudge, casting blame, or feeling hurt in my heart.”   That is not a good place to be!   

I hear people say, “I don’t get offended easily.”  That is a another myth.  All people become offended easily.  When a person believes they do not offend easily, they must spend a huge amount of energy to tightly control (sometimes unknowingly) situations and people around them.  I know because I used to be one of those people who thought I did not offend easily.  I learned that the ability to control eventually runs out.  Reality also tells us that very little (outside of our inner life) is in our control.  

Our broken, offendable heart offends easily and often.  Offenses are like weeds in a garden.  New weeds keep coming back even after the weeds are pulled from the garden.  Old weeds will return as well if they are not pulled by the roots. If left go, weeds will overtake the good plants growing in the garden.  Keeping the garden soil of our heart free of offense (weeds) requires surrendering our heart to God.   Pulling the weeds allows us to produce the good fruit of accomplishing our divinely created purpose for being.  

If there is an unoffendable heart in our universe, it is the heart of God.  The ancient King David wrote,

“You, Lord, are forgiving and good,
    abounding in love to all who call to you.
Hear my prayer, Lord;
    listen to my cry for mercy.
When I am in distress, I call to you,
    because you answer me.

Among the gods there is none like you, Lord;
    no deeds can compare with yours.
All the nations you have made
    will come and worship before you, Lord;
    they will bring glory to your name.
For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
    you alone are God.

Teach me your way, Lord,
    that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
    that I may fear your name.”  (Psalm 86:5-11)

God’s forgiveness takes care of ALL offenses (those of our own and others).  God’s solution (Son Jesus dying as a substitute) satisfies both mercy and justice at the same time.   We can come to God (offenses and all) and receive His Gift of forgiveness.  We then have the status of son or daughter (Ephesians 1:3-5), and can be taught to rely on His Father faithfulness.  We can join David in asking for an “undivided heart” (fully devoted) that comes through the transformational process of turning more and more of our offended heart over to Jesus.  What offenses might be in your heart to turn over today?   Let me encourage you to take the next step toward God today.  God’s heart is for you to know Him, and for Him to be known by you.  

Note:   A book I authored Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart discusses truth for dealing with disappointments, offense and finding freedom through forgiveness (from a Christian perspective).  See more about the book by going to this site: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm .

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry

Trash Leads to Crash

            This is part two of a three part trilogy on "trash talk."  Part one discussed some of the ways to allow pain to expose unhealthy patterns of thinking and tolerating garbage in our mental and emotional life.  In this article I show how these patterns create diseases that destroy our quality of life and the next article will show how to protect and overcome the destruction. 

            We looked at the example of King David in the Old Testament.  The Bible describes how this godly man allowed trash thoughts and actions to wreck his life and the lives of those around him.  His unchecked desires led to inappropriate entertainment, which led to womanizing, which led to adultery, which led to murder and a cover-up, which all shortened his kingship and damaged his legacy.  This raises a question, "How could David, chosen by God himself to be king,  experience such a hard crash?"   How could a person identified as "a man after God's heart" (1 Samuel 13:14),  become vulnerable to such evil actions?    Merely asking this question hopefully sobers us to some degree into considering our own vulnerability. 

            The Bible offers some valuable insight into the susceptibility of the heart of mankind. Jesus himself taught extensively about inner person health, and shared  many stories to reveal his listeners' true heart condition.  In the first book of the New Testament, the gospel of Matthew 5:21-22 says, “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell."  Jesus is making a very strong connection between holding anger towards a person and the wicked act of killing.  The feelings of anger are not sinful, but allowing anger to turn into bitterness, hatred, and resentment leads to cancer and evil.  The word 'Raca' in this text is similar to the word 'jerk.'  When we turn our attention from judging a person's actions, to critically judging his/her intentions or motives, we are considering them a jerk, and thus unworthy of their Creator's personhood. 

            For example, let's say your boss turns you down for a job promotion.   You may disagree with him/her about your past performance, potential duties, or other specific details of projects.  Your assessment (judgment) may be that the boss isn't understanding, fair, or best for the organization.  Instead of engaging the conflict to work through the differences, you decide to hold your opinions to yourself.  When your "judging" crosses the line to thinking of your boss as a "jerk," you begin to kill the relationship.  Your dislike of actions turns to embittered heart toward the person.  It may happen at once or on a slippery slope.  Perhaps your disappointment causes you to have a keener ear for other people's disagreements with the boss, and you participate in bad-mouthing and rumors (slander and gossip).  Your performance may slip because your attitude towards your work stinks.  Your boss is forced to confront you for a performance issue, and you react with complaining more about him/her, blaming someone else's faults, or justifying your own bad behavior.  Now your bitterness and hatred is turning to full blown rage and it's harder to control your emotions.  You "snap" at other people in your life (co-workers, roommate, spouse, kids) and maybe for comfort you turn to an old bad habit (addiction) you kicked a while ago.  If you're still blaming your boss for all this trouble in your life, your rage and resentment could turn to retaliation, and before you realize it, you're thinking about harming your boss (or someone else).  If these "trash" thoughts and feelings are not interrupted, they could develop into an act of revenge.  That's how trash leads to crash.

            Again, feelings of anger are not automatically a bad thing. Anger (as with many emotions) is a messenger.  Anger is trying to tell you something about a deeper problem of unresolved stress, unmet legitimate needs, or residual shame and guilt. 

Anger is often a "trash detector" emotion.  Failing to pay attention to the message and original source of the anger can entrap the heart and mind in a prison of harmful thoughts and emotions. 

            The last week of February 2015, brought a very sad and cold reality to Lancaster County. Similar scenarios to the above played out in real life in our community.  In two separate incidents, a community leader committed murder.  One is a former pastor of a congregation who looked to him for shepherding.  The other was an assistant principal in a high school with youth looking up to him for guidance.  It is difficult to comprehend how something this horrible can happen.  The families are let to deal with the trauma of the events, but the community is also traumatized. 

            We must remember that these events are "abnormal."  We must guard against these particular leaders' failures from casting an overall critical judgment upon all authority figures.  "Who can we trust?" is a very valid question, for example, but assuming that all leaders are untrustworthy because of the actions of a few, will not serve our community well.  Failure to trust good, solid, trustworthy leaders opens the door even wider for predator-type "leaders" to make their move.  Trustworthy leaders are worthy of the trust of their followers, and the vast majority of community leaders have paid a price to be in the position they occupy--positions earned by trust. 

            Though these tragedies are a very small part of the "big picture," it is worth looking at how they occur to try to keep them from happening.  I mention them to show that just as in the time of King David in the Old Testament, leaders today are also at great risk for moral and personal failures.  When leaders crash, the fallout can be devastating to a community.  Understanding the magnitude of the problem can help the grieving process back to normalcy.   Leaders are judged by their outward performance, but on the inside, their inner person is made of the same stuff as all mankind. 

            We try to conceal pain.  We don't try to be a bad person.  But concealing pain (not dealing with the trash) will lead people to do bad things.  So, in order to intentionally be a good person, we must intentionally deal with conflict and pain.  There is much wisdom in the Proverbs and other parts of the Bible about finding answers on how to do this.   In chapter 5 of the gospel of Matthew quoted above, Jesus taught how to avoid murder by acknowledging anger and turning away from calling people jerks.  In the verses following, Jesus shows adultery (going to bed with a person not your spouse) occurs in your heart (with no physical act involved).  He says, "You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’   But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:27-28).  Looking is not automatically lust, but allowing sexual desire to take your thoughts and feelings to a place only meant for your marriage partner is adultery.  "Moral failures," or "affairs" (euphemisms for adultery) do not occur only with the physical act of sex, but with the first expression of the wayward heart (ie. flirting, emotionally connecting, meeting alone, fixation).  Similar to justifying anger, entertaining lust is like trash that will lead to crash.

            The scenarios above may play out in many variations.  Instead of a boss, it could be any authority figure including a family member or church leader.  In the Church, the incorrect notion that, "Christians are not supposed to feel anger" can hinder the trash collection process.  Over spiritualizing or blaming too much on the devil can also be a common way to evade taking responsibility for inner person health. 

            In sum, the health of our heart determines the health of our entire being. Keeping the heart as free from trash (encumbrances, unresolved stress, and cancerous thought and feelings) as possible will assure the highest quality of life.  May I encourage you each day to take a few moments and briefly examine your heart condition before God.

                Note:   The book Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart discusses themes of dealing with disappointments, offense and finding freedom in forgiveness.  This book is designed to help people (especially in the Christian faith)  to discover and dislodge things in life that lead to defeat. Don't miss out on your chance to use this book as a helpful tool in discovering Refuge in Christ. It can be purchased by clicking here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm . If you get anywhere near Pennsylvania for vacation or on business, be sure to look us up for lodging at  http://bluerockbnb.com 

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry