Emotional Capacity - Part 2

The previous article contrasted EI with EC.  It takes much more than intelligence to deal with the realities of life.  We defined Emotional Capacity (EC) as follows, “the ability to interpret and express inner emotional messages with unshaken assurance of personal worth and identity.”  Challenging circumstances create  inner emotional messages perceived as threats (real or imagined) to a safe and secure image of self.   The capacity to regulate whether the emotions help or hurt (make things better or worse) is EC.  A person’s quality of life is determined by EC.  

When facing a challenge, EC is not dependent on whether or not the circumstances improve, but whether the reservoir of positive self-worth is improved.  A person is not always in control of external events in life, but our EC can control our response to those events.  You may ask, “I know increasing EC dramatically improves my health and relationships, but how is it possible to cleanse (or maintain a clean) emotional reservoir?  I’m glad you asked! <smile>   Hopefully something that follows is helpful.  

First, and most important in emotional health, is knowing the God who designed and authored the human being (including the emotions). If you are not a God-follower, bear with me for a moment.  I believe the basis for understanding identity and worthfulness for each person, is understanding the divinity and worthiness of the One who knows us better than we will ever know ourselves.  The attributes of God, his relatability as a personal God, and how much He loves each person, sets Him apart as supreme authority.  All humans are created in His image with a unique stamp of his likeness.  Also understanding some things about his emotional qualities can help give us a glimpse of ours.  Knowing God as Father (similar to how a child depends on an earthly father) provides identity and security (including assurance of value and worth) like nothing else can.  This inexhaustible topic is obviously too much to give adequate attention to here.  The point here is that God is the source for living from the heart and emotional capacity of the human being.  

Ironically, esteeming self above God and other people, ruins our sense of worth and value.   Removing self-focus from our identity is essential for emotional health.  Ego-centric living destroys our true  identity. For some modern day examples of how this works I recommend Ryan Holiday’s book called, Ego Is the Enemy.  We must give up our “me centered” world-view, and take on a view of the world that puts God at the center of our universe and our soul.  God is not only a great God in charge, but also a grand God in love with all he created.  As the ancient Psalmist says, “Great is the Lord, and most worthy of praise ….. the Lord’s unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in him” (Psalm 48:1; 32:10).  

Knowing God frees a person to focus on others and not self.  Connection with others is what gives purpose and meaning to life.  A great example of this is Viktor Frankl’s life.  In his book,  Man’s Search for Meaning, he shows how he survived four concentration camps in the 1940’s at the hands of Nazi Germany horrors.  

A second way to increase our emotional capacity is to allow our hurts and wounds to heal properly.  A broken arm needs to be set in correct position,  placed in a cast, and perhaps a sling for recovery.  Similar to our bodies’ vulnerability to physical injuries, our hearts are subject to brokenness and disrepair.  From the beginning of life, we pre-judge, mis-judge, and critically judge as a default tendency.  Although our self-worth is secure in who God created us to be, our “sinful nature” severely handicaps our ability to accept this without  self-imposed conditions.  Unmet expectations create disappointments and all sorts of negative reaction (see list at end of previous article).  Hurts and wounds fester and pollute our core beliefs (even without our awareness).  Although our minds try to settle into adulthood, our hearts remain in the limited capacity of broken conditions of childhood.  Some people turn to God and receive spiritual healing. Even as a God-follower, the process of healing the soul must continue throughout our remaining days on earth.  

The greatest loss in human history was Adam and Eve’s decision to reject God’s supreme authority.  This error introduced shame into the world.  Shame is the root of all roots of brokenness and emotional pain.  Shame and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown defines shame as the fear of disconnection.  As mentioned before, self-worth is rooted in a sense of connection.  Shame (based in our hurts and wounds) keeps us from the truth and whole-hearted (capacity-filled) living.  Dr. Brene Brown has authored a number of books including one that helped me greatly called The Gifts of Imperfection.  She has found vulnerability as the only way to attempt to resolve shame.  

Shame keeps a person from believing they are worthy of love and belonging. As a God-follower, I believe I am worthy, not because of anything I have done (or not done), but because of what God has said and done for me.  As a Christian I believe Jesus is the complete connection to resolve our fears of disconnection.  You may not believe in God the same way I do, but reading on will help you grow in emotional capacity.  Or, you may already believe in Jesus,  but to grow in your relationship with God, you must embrace vulnerability and the reality of a shame-infected soul.  

  To be vulnerable is to be authentic, transparent, and completely honest with oneself.  Vulnerability is not  weakness, but builds strength and capacity.  Here are some qualities  Brene Brown  mentions. Vulnerability means you must allow yourself to be real and seen; deeply seen.  It means you must love with your whole heart, even when there is no guarantee.  It means you must practice gratitude and joy, even in the face of fear.  It means you must believe you are enough, even when you feel “not enough,” not good enough, not smart enough, not beautiful enough, not capable enough, and not so on.  And vulnerability “walks into” awkwardness, uncertainty, and imperfection.  

But under the cloud of shame we resist vulnerability.  What does that look like?  We try to be perfect (perfectionism.  We expect “perfect” from others.  We try to “make certain” (control).  We blame (as a way to discharge our pain and discomfort).  We justify ourselves (and pretend that what we do does not have an impact on other people).   These are all signs of trying to numb vulnerability.  

Numbing feelings may filter the bad, but it also prevents the good feelings.  As Brene Brown says, “You can’t selectively numb emotion.”   If you try to numb disappointment, failure, and sadness you will also be numbing happiness, gratitude, and joy.  Americans are the most “numbed” society on earth as evidenced by over indulgence and addiction;   food (obesity) , alcohol, (alcoholism), drugs (medications & illegal use),  work (work-a-holism),  shopping (“retail therapy”), busyness (filling schedule with things to do), technology, and all sorts of distractions.   So we set ourselves up for dissatisfaction and emptiness (lack of emotional capacity).  

Things that may trigger numbing vulnerability look like these;  asking someone for help when you’re sick or injured, initiating sex with your spouse, being “turned down” (for promotion, election, team participant),  waiting for the doctor to call back, getting laid off a job or having to lay off people, and practicing servant leadership.   Common. ordinary experiences reveal our capacity to meet the challenges of  shame and vulnerability.    Other indicators may include things like whether or not we can easily admit offense when offended, accept differences (cultural, ethnic, or gender), own bad habits or addictions, take responsibility for actions that put others in peril, listen to others giving criticism, receive advice, and stop making excuses for too much eating, drinking, working, spending, sensualizing, sexualizing, hoarding, or technolizing (too much time on electronic devices).  

We discussed the God factor and the shame factor.  Now let’s consider a third factor for building emotional capacity.  We must take clear and consistent action in the direction of  building good patterns and habits.  It’s not enough to clean up a polluted water source and then leave it to the elements to become dirty again. It must be maintained and treated for sustainability.  Removing destructive patterns that have depleted our emotional capacity is a good start.  But, we must build constructive patterns for productivity and resilience.  This involves changing the things on which we focus our attention.  Improving proficiency in any sport involves practice and focus on the fundamentals.  Similarly, learning to play an instrument requires pattern forming drills and exercises to create habitual motion.   Great effort goes into skillful playing.  

You may have heard it said, “love is an action.”  This certainly is true.  We may think we value something, but if our actions do not move us to stronger devotion we are not demonstrating love for it. For example, you may read about shame and vulnerability and think it worthy of your consideration, but if you make no commitment to practice vulnerability, your skill of using it to increase your emotional capacity will not be developed.  A great book was authored this year by  James K.A. Smith to help establish spiritual life.  It is called, You Are What You Love: the Spiritual Power of Habit.  We live in a time when information is over-abundant, but truth is hard to find.  We do well to treasure truth, and practice it over and over again to develop skill for quality emotional response.

Great commitment is required to build and maintain emotional capacity.  It is tough work, but it is worth it.  It is worth it because each person’s worth is “built in.”  Assurance of built in worth gives a person “well power.”  Well power is better than will power.  Will power eventually runs out because of human frailty.  For the God-follower, this is where God comes in.  I believe God is willing and able to meet us in our toughest spots of vulnerability.  We are wired for struggle, and our Creator wired in each of us our personal spirit as an access point to his divine power.  Surrendering our power to his power is the deepest place of vulnerability, and provides for us the deepest, bottomless  well (capacity) as a life-giving fountain. In fact, Jesus himself said, “… whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst ...” (John 4:14).  

I believe Jesus is the ultimate solution to shame. His whole purpose for being is to restore connection to Father God.  Vulnerability is the path to finding Jesus.  I’m not talking about religion.  Religion tries to work its way out of shame.  But, a true Christ-follower yields to Jesus Christ’s identity and worthfulness as the Solution for the shame we are each born into.  Our faith is related to the capacity we have to receive the love, peace, and joy he supplies.  

If you want help sorting out things you are feeling or thinking about this, seek out a competent counselor or trusted friend.  Have a comment?  I would  love to hear from you.  I have one more article in this series of three. The next talks about EQ, emotional quotient and emotional quality.  

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry

The 15 Omissions

            Two previous articles focused on surrendering to God the ultimate rights of judgment and  mending broken relationships after people mess up.  These actions are called forgiving and reconciling.  I showed how the gospel of John calls this the Great Commission of the Christian faith. Yet, the spirit of offense, unforgiveness, and unreconciled relationships are so commonly tolerated among Christ-followers.  So, what causes us to fail at the Great Commission to create this Great Omission? 

            The simplest answer would be the removal of the letters “C” and “M” from the word commission to be left with omission,  C is representative of the Christ, and M represents  his Mission.  Christ's Mission  makes the difference between commission and omission. For the Christ follower, forgiveness and reconciliation  must be Christ-Missioned (Christ-centered) in all ways.  Following are some thoughts about how to make this more practical in your life

            Here are  15 contributors to the Great Omission.  These are things that routinely get in the way of true forgiveness and reconciliation. 

            1. Settling for second best (striving instead of thriving).

Striving to succeed in a performance-based culture devalues our needs for rest and reflection time.  Pragmatism (making things work) is valued over prudence (making things right).  Bitterness, resentment, and blame are considered “normal.”   This high emotional pain tolerance can only be reversed through vulnerability and risk.  However, thriving mentally, emotionally, and spiritually makes it possible to thrive in all areas of life. Why settle for less than God's best?  We are each worth more than our current level of perceived striving (or thriving)! 

            2.  Performance-based living and decision making.

When we reduce forgiveness merely to a decision, we become reliant on our own will power to forgive instead of relying on what Jesus has accomplished for us.  We don't have to forgive and then come to Christ.  Our decision must be to cooperate with what Christ has done for us.  That puts Christ in control, and not us.  It also makes Him the achiever, not you.      

            3.  False beliefs about forgiveness

Here is a partial list of myths about forgiveness I discuss in my book,  Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart.   Forgiveness is NOT: simply  remorse, forgetting, excusing, trusting, letting go, letting time heal, a feeling, reducing unforgiveness, hinging upon an offender to make a gesture of repentance. Not everything you hear and read about forgiveness is true.  You may have to commit to unlearning what you already believe about forgiveness, and learn the truth.      

            4. Demanding “quick fix” rather than process.

When seeking the help of a counselor, people often say, “I just want to get this problem behind me and move on.”  What they really mean is, “Don't tell me I have to change something about myself, and I sure don't want to face my pain.”  Whoever said, “No pain, no gain,” had it right.  Acknowledging and surrendering our offenses (and offensive behaviors) is a growing process.  Growth always involves stretching and new learning by definition.  Because offense is inevitable in a broken world, at any given point in time, we are only one step away from our next lesson in forgiveness.

            5. Trying to go it alone

When we value self-sufficiency and independence above interdependence, we rebel against our innate design for human relationships to provide mutual support for dealing with the many challenges of life.  Accepting help is not a sign of weakness, but merely an acknowledgment that you are human.  I've heard it said, “Since we are hurt in relationship, we must also be healed in relationship.”  We all have “blind spots.”  We are very weak in self-critique.   We need others to point our short-comings so we can improve our character.  We must be teachable to benefit from constructive criticism. 

            6.  Lacking commitment to inner person change

Resisting change is our default nature.  Intentional change from the inside out, is necessary to conquer, rather than simply manage, undesired (and sinful) behaviors.  Confession and repentance is God's way to initiate this change. That simply means we verbally admit the error and turn our heart in the direction toward God (away from self). When we make this a regular pattern, we can build up resilience by increasing inner  capacity to handle losses and failed expectations.  Then  unforgiveness has less, or no place to take root.   

            7.  Excusing bad  behaviors.

When we complain, blame, or justify the bad attitudes of our heart, we short-circuit the “weeding” process to remove the bad roots.  Our behaviors all begin with our thoughts, and our thoughts are largely governed by our standards and core beliefs.   Bad fruit is produced by bad roots and bad soil. Sowing good seed in good soil will yield a good crop of fruit. Choosing to focus on (good) thoughts, placed in a (good) heart of surrender to God, will produce (good) behavior. 

            8. Clinging to poor self-concept

Many fail to see the link between how they act and how they think about themselves.  Second only to our thoughts about God, our thoughts about ourselves are the greatest influencers of our actions.  Do you, for real, believe from the bottom of your heart, that you are worth forgiving and being forgiven?  The value God places on your being is totally disconnected from any ability, or lack of ability, you have of earning it.  Your perception of innate worth shapes your self-image and how you react or respond to life.

            9.  Trivializing the so-called smaller offenses.

In 2006, world-wide attention was drawn to an Amish school-house shooting just miles from where we live in Lancaster County.  Forgiveness by the Amish toward the shooter and his family was a major theme of media stories.  Pardoning the horrific actions of shooting ten innocent school girls is a noble thing, but truly forgiving from the heart is demonstrated by the daily, sometimes moment by moment, surrendering to God our ultimate rights of judging.  Often times these are unintentional actions (and attitudes), of a human being that cause our judging.  That human could even be yourself if self-condemnation or self-rejection is part of what needs to be surrendered.  So-called smaller offenses and losses can be harder to reckon with than the larger ones.  An example may be unkind words from a close friend or family member, betrayal by a spouse, or attack on your integrity by a church member.  These routine interactions may not be dramatic enough to grab media attention, but they are the essence of what true forgiveness and reconciliation is all about. 

            10.  Failing to take full responsibility for your part in an offense.

Even if an offense is 90% the fault of another person and 10% your contribution, you must take full responsibility for your 10%.  For example, if an alcoholic spouse mistreats his or her partner, and the offended spouse retaliates without taking appropriate steps to resolve the conflict, the offended spouse must ask God's forgiveness for offending God by  condemning the offending alcoholic.  No person can change another person.  A person can take responsibility for his or her own actions, but not the actions of another. 

Shaming another person, no matter how offensive their behavior, will only continue a cycle of unforgiveness and make you an offender against God. 

            11.   Forgetting about restitution.

One way to define forgiveness is to release the debt of a debtor.  When debt is caused by an offense, and the offender repays the debt as part of reconciliation, that is called restitution.  Restitution helps the offender demonstrate his understanding of the damage or hurt he caused the person he offended. 

            12.  Fear of conflict and confrontation

Conflict is necessary for healthy relationship.  Confrontation is often necessary for reconciled relationships.  These are two different things, but I include them together because they both have to do with uncertainty and potential disruption of security in relationship.  Fear is a powerful motivator, and often keeps people from taking the action they know to be right.

            13.  Judging (over-reliance on your own expectations and perceptions of reality)

Critically judging inevitably brings criticism back on the one who critically judges (see Romans 2:1-2).  This is a rule of life, as certain as gravity pulling a brick to the ground, dropped from a 10th story window.  Condemnation crashes in on the one who condemns. Shaming another, shames yourself, because we're all made of the same stuff. 

            I think this is the chief contributor to the Great Omission.  Condescendingly judging, and failing to recognize when we do it, is offensive to Almighty God.  When we attempt to devalue a person to whom God has given innate value, we pretend to be Judge in place of God.  It is okay to condemn (judge) behavior, but not okay to condemn the person.  So, what is the difference?  Condemning behavior says their actions were bad.  Condemning the person says they are a jerk, good-for-nothing, damned, loser. 

Believe me, I've felt this way about many people (and sometimes still do), but I pray God shows me quickly when this is happening, so I can repent and surrender my heart to God for him to change. 

This bad judging can occur by making assumptions without the facts, prejudging, misjudging, misunderstanding, misinterpreting, or misperceiving the intent or motivation of a person.  The more secure we are about our own innate value to God, the less inclined we are to condemn. Accepted and validated by Father God, we have no need to try to put down others, in order to build up ourselves.  

            14.  Involving a third party unnecessarily.

What often happens when a person is hurt by an offense, instead of confronting the offender to reconcile, they go to another (third) person to seek validation for their victim role. They condemn the offender, rather than try to correct and make it right.  Condemning judgment becomes even more damaging when it is taken to a third person. 

That is called slander.  Gossip is when, for example,  a person can't resist putting a negative spin on  a comment (or outright “trash-talking”) about someone not present to defend themselves.   Slander and gossip occur frequently and do not get recognized for what they are, the damage they incur,  and the contribution they make to the Great Omission. 

            15.   Spiritual disconnection

The book of Hebrews in the Bible describes people as not being able to find rest in their hearts when they harbor bitterness, resentment, and blame   There is no joy and peace  for the soul that does not surrender unforgiving and contentious motivations.  Self-honesty and humility are per-requisites for opening the lines of communication with God and connecting to the true power of forgiveness and reconciliation.  

            For each of the contributors above, ask the question, “What is one Christ-centered action I can take to reverse this tendency in my life?”  Then, begin taking that action right now, take that action tomorrow, and each day for a week.  Review your progress in a week, read this article again, and continue taking the actions necessary fulfill the Great Commission in the fullest way God created you to BE!

                Note:   The book Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart discusses themes of dealing with disappointments, offense and finding freedom in forgiveness.  This book is designed to help people (especially in the Christian faith)  to discover and dislodge things in life that lead to defeat. Don't miss out on your chance to use this book as a helpful tool in discovering Refuge in Christ. It can be purchased by clicking here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm .  If you get anywhere near Pennsylvania for vacation or on business, be sure to look us up for lodging at  http://bluerockbnb.com 

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry