Can anger
be your friend? It depends. Anger is what I call a "surface"
emotion. Anger is only a messenger of a
deeper inner message. So, yes, if you
are willing to be vulnerable enough to find out what that message is and
respond appropriately, anger can actually be your friend. If however, you allow your anger to turn to
bitterness, resentment, rage, or revenge, anger can become the most destructive
enemy imaginable.
People feel
anger in different ways, with varying intensities, and for different
reasons. Feelings like disappointment,
frustration, annoyance, irritation, aggravation, and infuriation are a normal
part of the human experience. But when
these valid feelings of anger are
rooted in things like self pity, critical judgment, or selfish ambition, invalid transgressions follow. When, as a student for example, you receive
a C grade on a test you thought you aced, being upset is valid, but it's your
actions in response that identify your motivations. If you respond by complaining about the test conditions, blaming
the teacher, or justifying your incorrect answers to the questions on the test,
the experience is likely to become a defeat.
If on the other hand, you receive the lower-than-expected grade as a
motivator to improve your study habits or to seek help to understand the
material better, the same experience can become an opportunity for growth and
development.
Being aware
of your behavior and making changes for the better (anger management) is a good
thing. But even better is making
yourself vulnerable enough to explore origins of the anger feelings and engage
resolution with a higher power outside yourself. The deepest inner person growth occurs when you not only manage
your responses, but you discover and root out the negative core thoughts and
beliefs driving the feelings and actions.
When you believe your inner voice telling you that "You're not
capable," "You're no good," "You'll never amount to
anything," "You're not lovable," "You'll never
belong," "You'll never get it right," etc., you will most
assuredly act to fulfill those beliefs.
No matter how hard you try to change your behavior, if you do not change
negative core beliefs you render yourself powerless to achieve the most lasting
change for healthy growth.
Every human
wants to know love and belonging. What
we believe about ourselves (self-concept) is shaped primarily by our
experiences meeting needs of love and belonging. Our deepest hurts have to do
with lack or fear of lack of sustainable love and acceptance. To the degree we perceive this scarcity we
become angry with ourselves or our world until we can regain enough perceived
worth to go on. Hence, when you grant
yourself the vulnerability to feel beyond the surface of anger, the emotion of
shame is the most revealing.
A topic big
enough for another conversation is the role of shame in our belief system. Shame and vulnerability researcher Brene
Brown defines shame this way, "Shame is the intensely painful feeling or
experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and
belonging" (see her
book Daring Greatly). Shame is
an emotion packed with pain and a powerful motivator. All negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves are connected
somehow to lack of self-worth which presents itself as shame. Shame is different from guilt. Guilt is based on what I do, whereas shame
is based on who I am. Confusing the two
has the effect of meshing our performance with who we are as a person. A perosn's
worth is not based on his performance, but solely on the fact that he is
human.
When
sorting out anger responses, it is essential to make this distinction. Are you mad at a person's actions (whether
yourself or another), or have you fused his actions with who he is as a
person? Are you perceiving him as
transgressor or jerk (guilt-based or shame-based judgment)? A person can behave differently to correct
guilt, but performance cannot correct shame.
Love corrects shame. Humans are
wired for love and belonging so that love and belonging corrects shame. Shame expressions in things like self-pity,
critical judgment, or selfish ambition mentioned above are often very hard to
detect. We are good at hiding
shame. Expressing anger is Ca very
common way of masking shame.
When you
catch yourself being critically judgmental of a person (instead of just his
actions) here is another scary thought.
This shaming of the person is the result of your very own shame being
tapped into. You cannot shame another
without first shaming yourself. To
condemn another is to condemn yourself.
If you are serious about being a more courageous, compassionate, and
connecting person, I highly recommend reading the book The Gifts of
Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You
Are by Brene Brown.
Our world
seems to present more opportunities for disappointment and anger-producing
feeling every day. One of three choices
will determine your future. One, denying
anger only sets you up for bigger problems later. Two, managing anger provides some temporary coping
mechanisms. Three, engaging the
underlying emotion through vulnerability will banish or dissolve anger's
destructive flames.
For
followers of Christ anger is not
automatically conquered when you first welcome God into your life. The ultimate act of vulnerability is to
receive God’s son Jesus, not only as the One who frees from the guilt of
transgression, but also bears our shame (Isaiah 53:3). Growing in your relationship with God
involves growing in your vulnerability and surrender to God's ways.
It's okay
to feel. It's okay to feel
uncomfortable feelings. It may seem
scary to let yourself intentionally feel your anger in order to find deeper
feelings of lack and unworthiness, invalidation, powerlessness, incompetence,
unlovableness, loneliness, fear of not belonging, self-rejection, and other
shame-based thoughts and feelings. May
I encourage you to be vulnerable today.
Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness. It takes courage to meet the weakness of anger with the strength
of vulnerability. No one else can do
this for you. Put anger in its place,
each time it tries to invade your space.
Note: The book Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive
from the Heart discusses themes of dealing with disappointments, offense
and finding freedom in forgiveness.
This book is designed to help people (especially in the Christian
faith) to discover and dislodge things
in life that lead to defeat. Don't miss out on your chance to use this book as
a helpful tool in discovering Refuge in Christ. It can be purchased by clicking
here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm .