Forgiving is not the same as reconciling. In researching the topic of forgiveness for
a doctoral degree a number of years ago, the discovery of the difference
between forgiveness and reconciliation was the single most life changing
discovery of the project. Remember,
forgiving means surrendering to God the right to judge (an offense). Forgiving restores relationship with God,
whereas reconciliation restores relationship human to human (the offender. with
those offended). The good news for the
offended is that the freedom of
forgiveness is not tied to the offender's ability (or willingness) to
reconcile. Another important thing to
learn is that trying to reconcile before forgiving may actually cause more harm
to a relationship than not attempting to reconcile at all. Forgiveness prepares your heart and helps
make your attitude more responsive rather than reactive. Let me explain more here.
First,
let's define reconciliation. According
to Webster's dictionary it is “the act of causing
two people or groups to become friendly again after an argument or
disagreement.” Reconciling is often not an easy choice. It may require humility and vulnerability to
let other people see who you really are on the inside. It usually requires confrontation. The self-confrontation involved in forgiving
is one thing, but confronting another person because of an offense can be very
scary. The lack of willingness to
confront is often the greatest barrier to reconciliation.
Like
forgiving, reconciling is not an option for a Christian. It is a mandate. We must take very seriously the
responsibility of attempting to "set things right." In the previous article called The
Commission to Forgive (posted 11/1/15), I quoted a passage from the Apostle
Paul's letter to the first century Corinthian church which includes the
statement that Christ himself “has committed to us the ministry of
reconciliation” (see 2 Corinthians 5:15-20).
So, what might the results of this ministry of reconciliation look
like? I encourage you to read the
entire fourth chapter of Ephesians to get a good snapshot of an answer to that
question. Some of the phrases that jump
out are these, “live a life worthy,” “be completely humble and gentle,” ”be patient, bearing one another in
love,” “keep the unity,” “speaking the
truth in love,” “grow and build up,” “put off your old self,” “put on the new
self,” “be made new in the attitudes of your mind,” and “do not let the sun go
down on your anger.” Summarizing the
chapter, “ Do not let any unwholesome talk come
out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according
to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ... Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger,
brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be
kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ
God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:29:32). Reconciling is meant to benefit not only the
offended, but the offender as well.
When relationships are restored and functioning well, the community at
large will also benefit. Church,
business, government, and other organizations thrive on healthy relationships
between individuals.
It takes at
least one party to initiate reconciliation.
It takes two parties to obey the mandate for completing
reconciliation. One of the most common
reasons for relational breakup and disunity is a disagreement, disappointment,
or offense that has never been processed through. It is not okay to walk away from a relationship, group, or
situation just because you become angry or hurt by things that didn't go your
way. It is okay to have desires,
preferences, and high expectations of character (remembering that no one is perfect), but it is not okay to avoid
healthy confrontation of brokenness that causes relational separation and
division. I discuss healthy conflict in
a separate article.
In the
previous article I stated, “Surrendering your
right to judge doesn't mean you are surrendering your rights for justice to be
served.” In fact, when the “heart work”
of forgiveness begins to produce its good fruit, it requires the action steps
(toward reconciliation) to deliver the results to the world around you. Forgiving an offender does not mean the
offender is relieved of due consequences to be paid for an offense. For example, in the case of abuse, forgiving
an abuser is different from holding the abuser accountable for his or her
actions. The safety of the victim must
be established and if the abuser's actions are criminal behavior, the laws must
be enforced to protect from further victimization and give the victimizer an
opportunity to turn away from the sin of abuse and be restored as a person with
worth and dignity. The abuse victim may
or may not ever be reconciled to the abuser, but the power of forgiveness can
free the victim of the damage caused by the victimization. The more completely forgiveness is achieved,
the greater the degree of freedom to be lived.
It is also
true that the more completely forgiveness is achieved (the more an offense is
surrendered to God), the more prepared an offended person is to attempt
reconciliation. It only takes one party
to forgive. It takes two parties to
reconcile. Remember, there are two
sides to every offense (the offender and the offended), and you may find
yourself on either side at any given time in a relationship or
circumstance. If the offense seems
unintentional on the part of the offender,
forgiveness may be exercised by the offended, but for reconciliation to
be complete, the offender may still need to become involved. Perhaps for example, a minor
miscommunication of traveling directions by Jane causes John to be late for an
important appointment. John may forgive
Jane and decide it's not worth mentioning Jane's mistake to her. John may even hold himself responsible for
not double checking or using a different source to find the information he
needed. But then another similar incident
occurs between Jane and John, and John has a harder time to forgive and the
need to reconcile becomes more evident.
The
teaching of Jesus addresses the issue of repeat offendenses among brothers and
sisters in Christ. One reference is in
Matthew 18:15-17. I'll not go into
detail here, but when reconciliation is attempted by the person offended, and
the offender wants nothing to do with reconciliation or justice, it is time to
get help from a friend or advocate.
Forgiveness, without pursuing reconciliation or justice, may only make
the situation worse for everyone.
Sometimes
offensive behaviors get excused as personality traits, styles of leadership,
attributes of professionalism, or
“everybody does it” generalities. They
may even pose as necessity to keep the peace, tolerable as long as no one is
getting hurt, or as a short-term loss to achieve a long-term benefit
However, the truth, requires pain with gain, no short-cuts
to relational integrity, confrontation to achieve inner peace, and trustworthy
character to facilitate trust. Leaders
can fall into the trap of offense as quickly as anyone else. Look at Moses for example. One of the strongest leaders of the ancient
Israeli people, witnessed an incident of severe injustice against a
kinsman. Although his intentions were
good in trying to help his fellow Hebrew brothers and sisters, his attitude and
behaviors that led to killing an Egyptian slave-driver back-fired. Moses had to escape and live in hiding for
40 years as a result of his mistake.
Attempting short-cuts, when it comes to forgiving and reconciling,often erect negative relational walls that create confusion,
erode authenticity, prohibit collaboration, and ultimately destroy trust and trustworthiness.
People are
not the enemy. People's actions
(offenses) are the enemy. We have a
great Enemy who uses offenses (people's actions) in an attempt to divide and
conquer. We must be wise to this tactic
and vigilant to resist the trap of offense.
People align with the enemy when
they refuse to reconcile.
Sometimes
you can become an "enemy" of
yourself. A person's perception
of low self-worth and poor self-concept is at the core of all human
problems. God gave his only Son Jesus
as our saving grace to reconcile us back to the Father. Father creates worth and value into each
child born into the human race. The
broken pieces of the human heart are reconciled back to Father through Jesus
Christ (again see 2 Corinthian 5:15-20).
Your true value is based on who God made you to be as His son or
daughter. It's not based on what you
have done or failed to do. Believing
in Jesus and surrendering your heart to God means you are relying on Christ's
completed work of reconciliation. It
does not mean you have to come up with the strength to forgive and reconcile,
but rely on the strength God gives you (see Matthew 11:28-29). You have a choice to rely on the power of
God every time you are offended. Why
not do it?
Some
offenses seem more difficult to forgive and reconcile than others. Examples might be infidelity of a spouse,
murder or other crime against a family member , or severe injustice of a tribal
nature. When God's power is invited
into the situation, hope is much more free to win over a hopeless cause. After reconciling with God (receiving his
unconditional love), reconciling with fellowman becomes easier. This is a continual process. Christ's work is complete, but our work of
cooperating must be ongoing.
May
I encourage you to take the following steps toward deepening a commitment to
reconciliation as a more common practice in your life. First, identify an area of unforgiveness or
unreconciled problem you have toward another person. Next, if forgiveness is not complete, make a list of all the actions
that caused offense (hurtful words spoken, mistreatments, negligence, transgressions). Be as specific as possible. Pray, confess, repent for any of your own
reactive judgments, and forgive. Next, (if you believe you have surrendered
your judgments to God), pray and discern strategy to address the offense with
the offender. Go in a spirit of
humility and empathy, recognizing the flip side of offense is in your own life
as well. Keep the circle of people who
know about the offense as small as is necessary to bring resolution. Do not engage in slander or gossip to make
yourself become an offender. After completing the actions you believe are
necessary to bring resolution, and there still is no resolution, commit to
following the path of asking an advocate to go with you (as outlined in Matthew
18:15-17) if the offender is a brother or sister in Christ. Otherwise, pursue the matter with the appropriate systems of justice to
bring resolution. Obviously, in cases
of abuse or endangerment, the above steps should be abandoned to seek help
immediately, outside the inner circle of the problem.
If you
believe you've tried the steps outlined above and you still feel
"stuck," it is probably time to get the help of a trusted friend or
counselor. Try going back to step one
and examine forgiveness. Be willing to
allow God to show you a deeper level of forgiveness. God is most glorified when we allow him to lead us through this
process. If there are numerous
situations in your life that need to be reconciled, start with a small one,
work it through to success, and don't become overwhelmed by trying too many,
too soon.
One more
tip is to discern whether the offender needs to be involved at all. The offense may be small enough for you to
simply need to forgive. If you are 100%
sure of what you are letting go, and totally certain the efforts of attempting
to engage the other party would outweigh any potential benefits, let it
go. Misunderstandings, errors, and
accidents are just part of our broken human condition. Take the Beatles' advice and "Let It
Be!"
When it
must be, be a reconciler. A real friend
will want to be reconciled. Be a
friend, and make things friendly
again.
by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry
