So,
forgiveness is a little bit like eating your spinach. Most people know it's extremely healthy, but very few actually do
it. What is it about the fundamental
truth of forgiveness that eludes even the most seasoned leaders of businesses,
organizations, and churches?
I believe
one of the most significant ways to improve your life is to grow in your
understanding and practice of forgiveness.
Okay, so we
live in a broken world. Life has its
disappointments. We need to deal with
them, and just "let it go and move on," right? Well ...
Too often this is an excuse for sweeping things under the rug. If you don't take time to identify your
failed expectations and "own"
your critical judgments, there's nothing to let go of, and nothing to move on
TO.
All of us
have things happen that create offense and pain. Maybe you went out of your way to help someone, only to have them
turn on you. Maybe you get dropped
unexpectedly in a job or relationship.
Someone at work, church, or home makes you feel abandoned, rejected,
incompetent, afraid, or mistreated in some way.
So how do we keep from letting these sorts of things snag us
in the trap of bitterness and resentment?
We know forgiveness is the answer, but why do we keep trying so many
other options before we give forgiveness a chance to work?
Well, let's
just be honest. Lack of forgiveness is
about CONTROL. Every person alive is a
so-called "control freak."
Going back to the first man and woman on earth, Adam and Eve, the demand
to decide for ourselves, right from wrong, is built in to our DNA. When someone does something we don't like,
we claim the right to decide whether it's right or wrong. So, when things don't go our way, we feel
anger, fear, or shame because we feel loss
of control. This happens so
automatically, we often don't realize it.
You see,
God's original design for mankind, did NOT include this need to know. It was OUR choice, and now each person faces
a dilemma. We can't blame God, our
parents, or the one who offended us for the way we feel. WE must own the disappointment,
dissatisfactions, discomforts, and failed expectations.
With anger, for example, feeling frustrated, annoyed, upset,
vengeful etc. are very normal. However,
these are surface feelings. Anger is
merely a symptom. It's not the root
issue. Feeling upset or frustrated
means there is something hidden under the rug.
The way I
define forgiveness is this: "surrendering to God the right to
judge." Yes, surrendering control
to God takes the burden of judgment off me, and puts it back where it
belongs. In the original design of
mankind, as explained in Genesis, the Creator was the sole judge of good and
evil. God intended men and women to eat
from "the tree of life," and not from "the tree of the knowledge
of good and evil." Through every
generation since the original sin, our rebellion against Creator's design keeps
us from knowing our loving Father as He
wants to be known. He wants us to know
Him as his sons (or daughters) who look to him for their identity, protection
and provision. Eating from the wrong
"tree" messes up this
relationship, but we CAN choose to eat from the "tree of life."
Surrendering
our heart to God is a lot like eating our spinach. We know it's the right, life-giving thing to do, but we usually
find something else to eat instead. We
come up with some way to cope that doesn't involve facing our pain. This may be something as benign as over
eating, or it may be forming an addictive habit using alcohol, drugs,
pornography, or working too much. In my
opinion, all destructive behaviors are rooted, at least in some degree, to an
issue of unforgiveness.
In order to
change undesirable behaviors, the most lasting results will come as a result of
experiencing true forgiveness. It's
more than willpower and making decisions.
It's about surrendering decisions to God. It's about yielding your heart
for HIM to change. Forgiveness
was first God's idea. Christians
believe Jesus accomplished forgiveness.
It's not about OUR work, but surrendering to the work that's already
been done through Christ's death and resurrection. Christ is our pain bearer.
Christ died to forgive us our sins, and he also heals our pain if we let
him access it. The prophet Isaiah
(chapter 53) describes Messiah as the one who carries our pain. In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus says of
himself, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and
learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for
your souls. For my yoke is easy and my
burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-29).
For Christ
to carry your pain, you must be willing to surrender it. It's okay to admit unmet expectations. It's okay to feel loss. It's okay to grieve. It's okay to let God make you a better
person through forgiveness. Practice
the 3 R's. R-remember what Christ has
done for you. R-repent for not
surrendering to him. R-release the
offense to him for his judgment.
I'd like to leave you with a few
questions to ponder:
Will you be among the few who REALLY surrender to God the
right to judge?
What keeps you from surrendering?
Where might you be holding anger, fear, or shame you're not
aware of?
How do you try to get rid of it?
Is your God big enough to take care of it?
Is there some other "burden" that you would be
willing to let Jesus carry for you?
Ask God
today to help you. His help is
available for the asking. If that feels
like too big a step right now, reach out to a trusted Christian friend, or give
us a call for help.
I've spent
years researching this topic, and each day that goes by I learn more about
forgiving offenses, both as an offender and an offended person. I share many more themes about forgiving and
healing at this blog site. By the way,
I wrote a book called Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive
from the Heart. I include a study
guide to help you process the information.
I also include resources like sample prayers. I try to make myself available if you want me to come and speak
to your group. Whether you read my
book, or someone else's, learn all you can about forgiveness and practice it
more than you eat spinach!
by Ed Hersh,
Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry
