As we saw
last time, the consequences of fear go largely undetected in most people's
lives. It takes some effort to
recognize and own up to the impact of fear in our daily activities. Fear-based thinking and acting is the most
common cause for people not fulfilling their greatest potential in life. As Les Brown is quoted as saying, "Too
many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears."
Once we
become aware of the fear, what are some ways to overcome the fear? Turning once again to psychologist Susan Jeffers in her book Feel
the Fear and Do It Anyway, she shares a number of practical solutions to
fighting fear. Becoming a fear
fighter has much to do with becoming a generous giver. According to Jeffers, although most people
would consider themselves to be a giving person, in reality very few people are
truly a giving person. "Why do we
find it so difficult to give? My theory has two components. First, it requires
a mature adult to give, and most of us have never really grown up. Second,
giving is an acquired skill that few of us have mastered. These components are
tied together and require a great deal of practice to achieve. The reason most
of us have never practiced these skills is simple— it usually never occurs to
us that we aren't behaving like adults or that we aren't giving. We have
unwittingly deceived ourselves. And this is understandable. We look like
we are adults and we seem to be giving people. What's going on
underneath, however, belies appearances."
The idea of
giving commonly includes some kind of getting in return. How much we give and to whom is generally
based on a value system of investment with worthfulness being judged by how
much comes back to us. Most of our
giving is from a place of expectation rather than a place of love.
This
"childish" view of giving is based on the fear of lack. Our basic needs from birth are met at the
mercy of our caretakers. Our earliest
fears revolve around not enough water (thirst), not enough food (hunger(, not
enough heat (cold), etc. Survival is
tied up in the world nurturing us.
"As the years pass, we function as more and more independent beings, able
to take care of ourselves—or so it appears.
We dress ourselves, we feed ourselves, we earn a living. Yet there seems
to be a part of us that never progresses much beyond the crib. Metaphorically,
we remain frightened that no one will come to relieve our hunger-—for food,
money, love, praise, and so on. Any relief in the way of "food" is only
temporary; we know the hunger will come again.
Consider what this dilemma sets up for us in the area of our daily
living. We can't give. We can't love. We become, consciously or unconsciously,
manipulative, because our perceived survival is involved. We can't support the
well-being of another person if their needs in any way conflict with ours. And
how do we feel operating from the level of the playpen? Helpless, trapped, angry, frustrated,
dissatisfied, unfulfilled, and, most of all, fearful.
What can
be more frightening than depending on someone else for one's survival? As
fearful adults, we ask the same questions we did as a child. Will they go away
and not come back? Will they stop loving me? Will they take care of me? Will
they get sick and die? As adults, we ask these questions about our spouse, and
often about our friends, boss, parents, and even children.
People
who fear can't genuinely give. They are imbued with a deep-seated sense of
scarcity in the world, as if there wasn't enough to go around. Not enough love,
not enough money, not enough praise, not enough attention—simply not enough.
Usually fear in one area of our lives generalizes, and we become closed down
and protective in many areas of our lives. Fearful people can be visualized as
crouched and hugging themselves. Whereas this image represents the inner state
of all frightened people, the outer manifestation can take on many forms. Examples include: Successful businessmen needing the boss's approval Housewives who blame their husbands or children
for the fact that they never lived their own lives.
Independent career women who demand so much from their men
that they are often alone
Men who can't tolerate their
wives' independence. Company executives
who make harmful, irresponsible decisions.
They are all in some way operating out of a sense of fear for their own
survival. They all are, in effect, crouched and withholding inside.
In order to get rid of the fear of lack, you must be
willing to change the way you think and act.
Instead of holding on to people and things for dear life, you
have to start releasing, letting go, giving it away. It's easy to give when you feel abundantly endowed, but you only feel
that way when you give, not before! This kind of change is a life-long process that you can begin
working on today I can speak from
experience and say that the peace of mind is worth every bit of effort you put into it.
Jeffers
discusses six specific ways to give. I
want to focus on the last of these:
giving away thanks, giving away information, giving away praise, giving
away time, giving away money, and giving away love. You must give away what you want to attract. If you want the best, give away your
best. If you want people to treat you
with respect, be respectful and give away respect. If you want people to trust you, be trustworthy and give away
trust. If you want others to love you,
be confident in your worthfulness, and give away the love. Giving is about outflow. It is about
letting go of your crouched, withholding self and standing tall with
outstretched arms. Giving from the
position that "I count" enhances your ability to give. When we really feel this sense of abundance,
we truly understand the saying "My cup runneth over." Like any other skill, however, it takes
practice.
The Bible
has a lot to say about love. For a clear definition of love, read chapter 10 of
the book of 1 Corinthians. Also, the
Bible gives a direct answer to the question, "How do you get rid of
fear?" It says, "perfect love
drives out fear" (1 John
4:18). In fact, the verse before this
one says that God is love. Perfect love
is completely selfless and unconditional.
Only God is "perfect" in this kind of love, but we can love
much better when we allow him to change our heart to love more deeply. In fact,
Jesus himself encouraged us in love. In
the 14th chapter of the gospel of John
Jesus starts by saying "do not let your hearts be troubled
..." He goes on to explain
Father's Love for mankind, and invites us in to divinely empowered peace and
love. God understands that our ability
to love is limited. That's why he
offers us his limitless supply. All we
have to do is receive HIS love and we can give HIS love away, not just our
own.
Does your
mind still contain a frightful thought?
No worries. Peace of mind,
created by love, leaves no more room for fear.
As Jeffers book suggests, "feel the fear and do it
anyway!"
Note: The book Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive
from the Heart discusses themes of dealing with disappointments, offense
and finding freedom in forgiveness.
This book is designed to help people (especially in the Christian
faith) to discover and dislodge things
in life that lead to defeat. Don't miss out on your chance to use this book as
a helpful tool in discovering Refuge in Christ. It can be purchased by clicking
here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm . If you get anywhere near
Pennsylvania for vacation or on business, be sure to look us up for lodging at http://bluerockbnb.com
by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry
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