It's been
said that constant change is here to stay.
Even the smallest of changes can create distress, but sometimes
conflicts or crises create situations that makes a person feel like a tsunami
hit his or her emotions. Each person is
different in how they react to stress.
Some changes (stressors) effect an individual's sense of normalcy more
drastically than others. When the
negative effects of stress go undetected or unidentified over time, the buildup
of cumulative stress may create a "break down" that forces a person
to pay attention to what's going on inside the heart. This post is meant to help the reader stay free of such a
breakdown.
Sometimes life doesn't seem
fair. Bad things happen to good
people. While many events in life seem
uncontrollable, the choices a person makes also greatly effect the amount and
intensity of change. For example, when
a person marries, it is to be expected that relationship with family, friends,
and roommates will change significantly.
Or when a person moves to a neighborhood predominantly occupied by a
different ethnicity, change is inevitable.
Whether
by choice or not, all change incurs loss.
Any transition from one thing to another means that something is gained
and something is given up or "lost."
Even "good change" involves some sort of
loss. In the example of marriage, the
companionship gained by investing in a life-long covenant, involves at least a
certain amount of distance to develop in former hangout buddies. And although a healthy marriage maintains
some individuality of each spouse, two spouses now relate to their buddies as a
pair instead of as individuals. The amount of time spent together, places they
go, and interests they pursue together are typical things that change. Failing to recognize this shift (loss) in the relationship can lead to some
very difficult conflicts. Another huge
area of change after marriage involves finances in terms of how money is earned
and spent together.
Losses
are identified by two major categories--tangible and intangible (sometimes
called primary and secondary). Tangible
losses are physical losses of people, places, and things. Examples are a house lost in a fire, a loved
one's untimely death, or a family treasure stolen by a thief. Intangible losses often follow these losses,
hence they are attached to the term "secondary." But their impact is often anything but
secondary. For example, the tangible
loss of a spouse dying in a traffic accident, creates innumerable psychological
and emotional losses for the family left behind. Young children lose a caretaker, protector, provider, nurturer,
teacher, and all the other roles of a parent. The spouse loses a co-parent,
companion, lover, friend and all the other things "spouse" means to
the person left behind. Deep losses can
even create core inner questions such as, "who am I?" and "what
purpose do I have remaining?" after an unexpected death. If a house is lost another place to live can be found, or
if a car is totalled another car can be obtained. Intangible losses, however, give a person no way to measure the
value of loss and are sometimes impossible to replace.
Other
examples of life events triggering loss include job changes, career shifts,
co-worker dismissals, living arrangement transitions, gaining or losing a
leadership position, team changes, keeping up with demands in school, legal
challenges, tax issues, financial woes, health concerns, birth of a child,
accidental fire or injury, traumatic experiences, death of a loved one, abusive
relationship, conflict in relationships, and combinations of all the above. The
list goes on! Deep disappointment and
overwhelming feelings may be created by the unresolved stress of these losses.
Having
lived five and a half decades, I've had my share of losses in life. I will spare you having to read my list, but
I've discovered it to be a helpful exercise to list them on paper and consider
the effects. Feeling 'loss' from life's
transitions, conflicts, and crises is
to be expected and very common. Giving
yourself and others space to grieve is an important aspect of dealing with the
losses. Understanding grief in the
context of loss has helped me tremendously in living a more stress-free
life. In Part 2 (next post) I will share
some of my thoughts on finding freedom through the grieving process.
Let me
encourage you to take some time to identify losses and discover where they may
have made a hole in your heart and still be affecting you. Make some lists while answering questions
like the following. What
"tangible" loss(es) have you experienced in the last few years? What "intangible" losses has each
tangible loss created? What social,
psychological, emotional, or other transitions have you been required to make
as a result? How well do you think you
have adjusted? How well does your
closest friend think you are doing with these changes?
You do
not have to remain stuck in feeling alone, forgotten, or overwhelmed. If you can, share what you are discovering
with a trusted friend or counselor.
Check back for the next post on how to allow yourself to grieve in order
to help release the pain.
by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry
