How a
person responds to disappointments and failed expectations of self and other
people greatly determines his or her outlook on life. Maybe we would rather allow our thoughts to focus on whatever
brings us happiness or pleasure, but stopping to think about what creates
unhappiness and displeasure may be exactly what we need for the problem to be
solved.
Think about
something in the last 24 hours that didn't quite go the way you would have
liked. Do you think it's possible that your reaction, largely, or at least in a
small way, had much to do with your initial feelings about the matter?
Disappointment
is common to every human being alive.
Because we live in a fallen, broken, and imperfect world, hurt feelings
are inevitable. We become
disappointed by peoples' mistakes, misunderstandings, mistreatments,
betrayals, injustices, abuses or even crimes.
Disappointment is the entry point into a sometimes vicious cycle of
complaining, blaming, justifying, and offending. Disappointment is the bait for the trap of defeat.
Disappointment
piled on top of more disappointments can create stress, burnout, disorders, and
even disease. Accumulated
disappointments can be likened to a log jam.
The logs of disappointment mount, constricting the flow of water and
draining the life out of the stream. The "king pin" of a log
(disappointment) jam is critical judgement. When we wrongly judge others because of our skewed perspective,
we needlessly carry bitterness and resentment in our heart. Jesus addresses this condition as recorded
in the first book of the New Testament.
"Do not judge so that you will not be judged.
For in the
way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be
measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye,
but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother,
‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own
eye? You
hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see
clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye" (Matthew 7:1-5;
NASB). Jesus uses the term
hypocrite to describe someone who is quicker to point out the faulty actions of
others than to correct his or her own attitudes and behaviors.
Because
human nature defaults toward the familiar and resists change, finding fault
with another (or critically judging) is often a diversion technique to avoid
making the painful adjustments necessary to improve our character or
behavior. The discomfort of
restructuring our mind, will, and emotions must be overcome. Our core belief
systems must be examined and destructive thinking and feeling patterns must be
replaced with constructive ones.
In an audio
book called Leadership: From the Inside Out, Kevin Cashman
writes, "Change is usually seen as something happening 'out there.'"
The world changes, products change,
competition changes, technology changes, people change .... All significant change begins with self
change. "Moving our concept of change for an outside-in paradigm to
an inside-out paradigm has profound implications. When viewed from this
perspective, we see change as an internal dynamic. An internal process of learning and development. Change is perceived as something to be
mastered from within vs. something only going on 'outside.' Ultimately, people resist, adapt, or learn
from it. In this regard, all change
fundamentally takes place with the person." If a person wishes to change the world, one must start by
changing him or her "self."
Organizational
change follows the same principle of inner preceding outer change. Many leaders fail to make the connection
between their own growth and transformation, and that of their organization. Transformation is not an event, but an
ongoing process of knowing who we are, maintaining clear vision of who we want
to create, and then going for it.
Internal change precipitates marketplace change. Businesses, churches, and institutions of
all types (particularly their leadership) will save themselves much time and
money by recognizing this inside-out change dynamic.
So what are
the steps one can implement to attain this kind of change? That's a great left-brained question, but
unfortunately, step-by-step methodology doesn't work very well in this
case. The three steps to unjamming the
logs are as follows: 1) surrender, 2) surrender, and 3) surrender. Surrendering to God the right to change your perspective on the
people and events that created the disappointment jells the building blocks for
lasting change.
Not all
change is good change. Change for
change sake is not good change. Change that takes a person further away from
the ways of God is not good change.
Good change is change of mind and heart that gives substance for hope.
Romans 5:1-5 says, "Therefore, having been
justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
through
whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which
we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not
only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation
brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and
proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because
the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit
who was given to us."
The closest
I can come to a 3 step process is the following. These are the titles to chapter 4,5, and 6 of a book I authored
called Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart.
The first, forgiveness: receiving God's gift.
The second, forgiveness: surrendering to God. The third, forgiveness: trusting God for change. I believe there is a way to allow the
opportunity in every difficulty, to overcome the difficulty of the opportunity.
Receiving the gift of God's son Jesus to forgive our sins and short comings is
the beginning of a process of surrender that can lead to a trust in Almighty
God to embrace change as a positive agent for victory. Even extreme disappointment
and tragedy can be faced with a heart turned toward God as provider, protector,
image bearer, companion, friend, comforter, caretaker, and teacher. Thus "His name will be called Wonderful Counselor,
Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 9:6). With all of our
real needs met, what more could we ask for?
Some
reading this may still be disappointed in the fact that disappointment is a
normal expected part of the process. After all, doesn't following Christ mean
adversity goes away? You may say,
"I became a Christian to get rid of hard times." If that is your understanding of what it
means to come to Christ, surrendering that expectation to God is a very good
first step entry point in beginning the
change process!
Note: The book Escaping the Pain of Offense:
Empowered to Forgive from the Heart discusses themes of dealing with
disappointments, offense and finding freedom in forgiveness. This book is designed to help people
(especially in the Christian faith) to
discover and dislodge things in life that lead to defeat. Don't miss out on
your chance to use this book as a helpful tool in discovering Refuge in Christ.
It can be purchased by clicking here:
http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm . If you get anywhere near Pennsylvania
for vacation or on business, be sure to look us up for lodging at http://bluerockbnb.com
by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry
