Emotional Capacity - Part 2

The previous article contrasted EI with EC.  It takes much more than intelligence to deal with the realities of life.  We defined Emotional Capacity (EC) as follows, “the ability to interpret and express inner emotional messages with unshaken assurance of personal worth and identity.”  Challenging circumstances create  inner emotional messages perceived as threats (real or imagined) to a safe and secure image of self.   The capacity to regulate whether the emotions help or hurt (make things better or worse) is EC.  A person’s quality of life is determined by EC.  

When facing a challenge, EC is not dependent on whether or not the circumstances improve, but whether the reservoir of positive self-worth is improved.  A person is not always in control of external events in life, but our EC can control our response to those events.  You may ask, “I know increasing EC dramatically improves my health and relationships, but how is it possible to cleanse (or maintain a clean) emotional reservoir?  I’m glad you asked! <smile>   Hopefully something that follows is helpful.  

First, and most important in emotional health, is knowing the God who designed and authored the human being (including the emotions). If you are not a God-follower, bear with me for a moment.  I believe the basis for understanding identity and worthfulness for each person, is understanding the divinity and worthiness of the One who knows us better than we will ever know ourselves.  The attributes of God, his relatability as a personal God, and how much He loves each person, sets Him apart as supreme authority.  All humans are created in His image with a unique stamp of his likeness.  Also understanding some things about his emotional qualities can help give us a glimpse of ours.  Knowing God as Father (similar to how a child depends on an earthly father) provides identity and security (including assurance of value and worth) like nothing else can.  This inexhaustible topic is obviously too much to give adequate attention to here.  The point here is that God is the source for living from the heart and emotional capacity of the human being.  

Ironically, esteeming self above God and other people, ruins our sense of worth and value.   Removing self-focus from our identity is essential for emotional health.  Ego-centric living destroys our true  identity. For some modern day examples of how this works I recommend Ryan Holiday’s book called, Ego Is the Enemy.  We must give up our “me centered” world-view, and take on a view of the world that puts God at the center of our universe and our soul.  God is not only a great God in charge, but also a grand God in love with all he created.  As the ancient Psalmist says, “Great is the Lord, and most worthy of praise ….. the Lord’s unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in him” (Psalm 48:1; 32:10).  

Knowing God frees a person to focus on others and not self.  Connection with others is what gives purpose and meaning to life.  A great example of this is Viktor Frankl’s life.  In his book,  Man’s Search for Meaning, he shows how he survived four concentration camps in the 1940’s at the hands of Nazi Germany horrors.  

A second way to increase our emotional capacity is to allow our hurts and wounds to heal properly.  A broken arm needs to be set in correct position,  placed in a cast, and perhaps a sling for recovery.  Similar to our bodies’ vulnerability to physical injuries, our hearts are subject to brokenness and disrepair.  From the beginning of life, we pre-judge, mis-judge, and critically judge as a default tendency.  Although our self-worth is secure in who God created us to be, our “sinful nature” severely handicaps our ability to accept this without  self-imposed conditions.  Unmet expectations create disappointments and all sorts of negative reaction (see list at end of previous article).  Hurts and wounds fester and pollute our core beliefs (even without our awareness).  Although our minds try to settle into adulthood, our hearts remain in the limited capacity of broken conditions of childhood.  Some people turn to God and receive spiritual healing. Even as a God-follower, the process of healing the soul must continue throughout our remaining days on earth.  

The greatest loss in human history was Adam and Eve’s decision to reject God’s supreme authority.  This error introduced shame into the world.  Shame is the root of all roots of brokenness and emotional pain.  Shame and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown defines shame as the fear of disconnection.  As mentioned before, self-worth is rooted in a sense of connection.  Shame (based in our hurts and wounds) keeps us from the truth and whole-hearted (capacity-filled) living.  Dr. Brene Brown has authored a number of books including one that helped me greatly called The Gifts of Imperfection.  She has found vulnerability as the only way to attempt to resolve shame.  

Shame keeps a person from believing they are worthy of love and belonging. As a God-follower, I believe I am worthy, not because of anything I have done (or not done), but because of what God has said and done for me.  As a Christian I believe Jesus is the complete connection to resolve our fears of disconnection.  You may not believe in God the same way I do, but reading on will help you grow in emotional capacity.  Or, you may already believe in Jesus,  but to grow in your relationship with God, you must embrace vulnerability and the reality of a shame-infected soul.  

  To be vulnerable is to be authentic, transparent, and completely honest with oneself.  Vulnerability is not  weakness, but builds strength and capacity.  Here are some qualities  Brene Brown  mentions. Vulnerability means you must allow yourself to be real and seen; deeply seen.  It means you must love with your whole heart, even when there is no guarantee.  It means you must practice gratitude and joy, even in the face of fear.  It means you must believe you are enough, even when you feel “not enough,” not good enough, not smart enough, not beautiful enough, not capable enough, and not so on.  And vulnerability “walks into” awkwardness, uncertainty, and imperfection.  

But under the cloud of shame we resist vulnerability.  What does that look like?  We try to be perfect (perfectionism.  We expect “perfect” from others.  We try to “make certain” (control).  We blame (as a way to discharge our pain and discomfort).  We justify ourselves (and pretend that what we do does not have an impact on other people).   These are all signs of trying to numb vulnerability.  

Numbing feelings may filter the bad, but it also prevents the good feelings.  As Brene Brown says, “You can’t selectively numb emotion.”   If you try to numb disappointment, failure, and sadness you will also be numbing happiness, gratitude, and joy.  Americans are the most “numbed” society on earth as evidenced by over indulgence and addiction;   food (obesity) , alcohol, (alcoholism), drugs (medications & illegal use),  work (work-a-holism),  shopping (“retail therapy”), busyness (filling schedule with things to do), technology, and all sorts of distractions.   So we set ourselves up for dissatisfaction and emptiness (lack of emotional capacity).  

Things that may trigger numbing vulnerability look like these;  asking someone for help when you’re sick or injured, initiating sex with your spouse, being “turned down” (for promotion, election, team participant),  waiting for the doctor to call back, getting laid off a job or having to lay off people, and practicing servant leadership.   Common. ordinary experiences reveal our capacity to meet the challenges of  shame and vulnerability.    Other indicators may include things like whether or not we can easily admit offense when offended, accept differences (cultural, ethnic, or gender), own bad habits or addictions, take responsibility for actions that put others in peril, listen to others giving criticism, receive advice, and stop making excuses for too much eating, drinking, working, spending, sensualizing, sexualizing, hoarding, or technolizing (too much time on electronic devices).  

We discussed the God factor and the shame factor.  Now let’s consider a third factor for building emotional capacity.  We must take clear and consistent action in the direction of  building good patterns and habits.  It’s not enough to clean up a polluted water source and then leave it to the elements to become dirty again. It must be maintained and treated for sustainability.  Removing destructive patterns that have depleted our emotional capacity is a good start.  But, we must build constructive patterns for productivity and resilience.  This involves changing the things on which we focus our attention.  Improving proficiency in any sport involves practice and focus on the fundamentals.  Similarly, learning to play an instrument requires pattern forming drills and exercises to create habitual motion.   Great effort goes into skillful playing.  

You may have heard it said, “love is an action.”  This certainly is true.  We may think we value something, but if our actions do not move us to stronger devotion we are not demonstrating love for it. For example, you may read about shame and vulnerability and think it worthy of your consideration, but if you make no commitment to practice vulnerability, your skill of using it to increase your emotional capacity will not be developed.  A great book was authored this year by  James K.A. Smith to help establish spiritual life.  It is called, You Are What You Love: the Spiritual Power of Habit.  We live in a time when information is over-abundant, but truth is hard to find.  We do well to treasure truth, and practice it over and over again to develop skill for quality emotional response.

Great commitment is required to build and maintain emotional capacity.  It is tough work, but it is worth it.  It is worth it because each person’s worth is “built in.”  Assurance of built in worth gives a person “well power.”  Well power is better than will power.  Will power eventually runs out because of human frailty.  For the God-follower, this is where God comes in.  I believe God is willing and able to meet us in our toughest spots of vulnerability.  We are wired for struggle, and our Creator wired in each of us our personal spirit as an access point to his divine power.  Surrendering our power to his power is the deepest place of vulnerability, and provides for us the deepest, bottomless  well (capacity) as a life-giving fountain. In fact, Jesus himself said, “… whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst ...” (John 4:14).  

I believe Jesus is the ultimate solution to shame. His whole purpose for being is to restore connection to Father God.  Vulnerability is the path to finding Jesus.  I’m not talking about religion.  Religion tries to work its way out of shame.  But, a true Christ-follower yields to Jesus Christ’s identity and worthfulness as the Solution for the shame we are each born into.  Our faith is related to the capacity we have to receive the love, peace, and joy he supplies.  

If you want help sorting out things you are feeling or thinking about this, seek out a competent counselor or trusted friend.  Have a comment?  I would  love to hear from you.  I have one more article in this series of three. The next talks about EQ, emotional quotient and emotional quality.  

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry

How to Rest from Stress

            What you don't know about stress, CAN hurt you, right? Absolutely.  But what if I tell you that a bigger problem may be what you ALREADY believe about stress. There are many myths about stress.  Here are four essential things to practice and understand about stress.

First:  Stress is meant to be our friend.

            Stress in its truest form, is a physical response to avoid harm.  Rapid breathing and increased heart rate, for example, help prepare the body to respond to a threat.  Stress protects by initiating a fight or flight response to danger.  Stress is what kicks in when you encounter a big bad wolf on the way to grandmother's house.  Stress is what causes you to react to a careless driver by stepping back up on a curb to avoid getting run over in the city. 

            Stress-free living does not exist.  We must re-think stress, not as a burden, but something to be mastered for our success.   Toxic stress occurs when our imagination is more active than is warranted by the reality of an event.  For example, fear of failure will rob us from stepping out in new areas if we allow our mind to dwell on all the possibilities of things going wrong rather than enjoying the creativity and innovation of the moment.

            Toxic stress kills many people, but living toxic-stress-free, CAN be possible.

Second:  Resolving unwanted stress must focus on the inner person instead of externals. 

            Unwanted stress is not caused by circumstances, but by our response to the events and  people associated.  I first encountered this truth through a book called The Stress Myth by Richard Ecker. The back cover of the book reads, "Problems add up and the pressures of life get you down. This complex, uncertain, fast-paced world inevitably takes its toll. Right? Wrong.  This myth about stress, according to Richard Ecker, is as incorrect as it is widespread. The battles of life do not have to make us casualties. Many experts mistakenly emphasize coping with stress. But prevention, says Ecker, is the key. It begins with an accurate view of God, ourselves and the world around us. Ecker also helps us understand how unwanted stress affects us at home and at work, giving sound counsel on how to have peace during trying times." 

             More recently I discovered an e-book by Ecker called The Emotional Survival Training Manual in which he describes more about the true meaning of stress, and why stress should not be looked upon as an unnecessary or even undesirable response.  Ecker says, ”We may not encounter big, bad wolves on our way to see grandma these days, but the highways we drive to get to grandma’s house offer equal risk of physical harm— careless drivers, poor visibility, mechanical failures— all of which create conditions which we will be better able to deal with when we are under stress. But, if stress is such a necessary human reaction, how can anyone have any hope of avoiding all of those unpleasant and health- threatening consequences that we have come to associate with the experience of stress? The fact is, none of those unpleasant consequences have to occur at all— even when stress levels in the body are very high. The unpleasantness of stress occurs only when the body has no need for it and no physical outlet for it. Stress becomes a problem  only when you require your body to produce more stress than it needs to satisfy its immediate physical demands. For example, if you did encounter a big, bad wolf on the way to grandma’s house, you would probably experience a substantial stress response. It would be needed to equip your body to deal with the situation— that is, to prepare you for fight or flight. Both of these options require immediate and intense physical effort. A high level of stress is always required to prepare your body for that kind of effort. But, let’s say that your situation is much less life— threatening; perhaps a bitter disappointment in your work, to which you have reacted with anger and frustration. If your reaction in this situation produces as large a stress response as the one produced in reaction to the wolf, most of that stress will be unnecessary to equip your body to deal with it— simply because your body does not need physical preparation to deal with non-physical demands. So, if your circumstances do not call for a physical response, then stress is always an inappropriate reaction. And, any stress that your body is required to produce above and beyond the amount needed to prepare it for an appropriate physical response will be what we can call “excess stress.” Excess stress is what people find unpleasant. Excess stress is what can be harmful to their health."

Third:  All unwanted stress is related to a self-image problem at the core.

            Toxic stress (unwanted, or excess stress as Ecker calls it)( is produced by the same mechanism in our bodies as good stress produces to combat a threat to physical security. The perceptions that cause our bodies to produce excess stress arise from threats to our emotional security— more specifically, threats to our image of self.

            Our personality and emotional makeup is shaped by our background (the sum total of all experiences up to the present moment in time).  Ecker says, "Fueled by prior experiences, our personalities help us interpret life events so that we can undertake an appropriate response. If our personalities are abundant with resources, few of these interpretations will credit events with having any influence on our identity, and we will not then view them as emotionally threatening. But, if our personalities are abundant with conditions, many of the life events we experience will be interpreted as having a negative influence on our concept of self— and will be considered emotionally threatening for that reason."  The conditions Ecker speaks of are created by our core beliefs and value systems.   When we perceive the reality of a situation to be different from what we value, our self-worth inevitably comes into question.  Sometimes it takes a great amount of effort to discover our faulty belief systems, and separate our identity and worthfulness as a person from our performance on a task, social skill, or failure to measure up to some standard or so-called normal.   But, the more comfortable we can become with who we are asa person, and even more, who God created us to be as a person, the greater the degree of resolution  t unwanted stress we will experience.

Fourth:   Ridding your life of unwanted stress begins with a choice.

            Morton C. Orman, MD has authored a book called The 14 Day Stress Cure.  In  an article I found online, he addresses 5 most common myths about stress.  Orman says, "The most damaging belief we have today is that the best way to deal with our stress is to manage it. While stress management experts are quick to point out the positive benefits of exercise, meditation, and relaxation techniques, few will inform you of the negative side to these same coping strategies.  ... But the biggest drawback to managing stress is that it only deals with the symptoms of our problems. It rarely helps us to clarify or deal with the underlying causes of our difficulties. This means that managing stress--even when we do it well--CAN CAUSE MANY OF OUR PROBLEMS TO PERSIST OR EVEN GET WORSE! Since we never correct the root causes of our problems, they will continue to occur, over and over again."   

            I'm certainly not advocating that you  abandon all coping strategies you have discovered to de-clutter, de-stress, and simplify your life.  Techniques to improve time management, communication skills to enhance relationships, and other self-help strategies can add value to your life.  But, human doing can never be enough to satisfy human being.   You are a human being, and you must decide to focus on inner person change as the core solution to lifting the heavy burden of unpleasant stress.  The person you were created to be is awaiting the freedom inspired by self-acceptance, self-confidence, and a value-filled self-concept. 

            God offers us the unconditional love our hearts so desperately crave.  Total acceptance, validation, and affirmation of  our value as human beings is available to us by choosing to receive it from Him.  Wheher we yield to God's help or not, the only way to avoid excess stress is to examine our hearts to find the roots of bitterness that grow into destruction.  Where I live, we are once again at the beginning of the growing season.   We plants the seeds and hope the produce healthy plants for an abundant harvest.  But, inevitably, the weeds seem to greow faster than the good plants.  Weeds must be pulled, but they keep growing back.  They must be pulled again and again, so the good plants stay healthy.  Like the growing of a fruitful vegetable garden, the weeds of our inner person must be pulled on a regular basis. 

            So, when you feel physical or emotional pain, stop and take a brief inventory of your problem circumstances.  Be honest with yourself  to discover the loss, disappointment, failed expectations (imposed on self or by others), critical judgments, or false beliefs causing the pressure.  Read some of my other articles on how to change from the inside out.  It's often the closest people in your life who you feel the most toxic feelings towards.  Discern what you can do to change yourself, stop blaming circumstances or other people for the unpleasant stress you feel, and begin the  journey to stress-free living. 

Note1:   Please note that "chronic stress" is not what I am talking about in the article.  If you have experienced a traumatic event, or are living in very difficult circumstances for a long period of time, you should seek the help of a counselor to figure out what "normal" might look like. 

Note2:   A book I authored Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart discusses truth for dealing with disappointments, offense and finding freedom through forgiveness (from a Christian perspective).  See more info. by clicking here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm . 

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry