The 15 Omissions

            Two previous articles focused on surrendering to God the ultimate rights of judgment and  mending broken relationships after people mess up.  These actions are called forgiving and reconciling.  I showed how the gospel of John calls this the Great Commission of the Christian faith. Yet, the spirit of offense, unforgiveness, and unreconciled relationships are so commonly tolerated among Christ-followers.  So, what causes us to fail at the Great Commission to create this Great Omission? 

            The simplest answer would be the removal of the letters “C” and “M” from the word commission to be left with omission,  C is representative of the Christ, and M represents  his Mission.  Christ's Mission  makes the difference between commission and omission. For the Christ follower, forgiveness and reconciliation  must be Christ-Missioned (Christ-centered) in all ways.  Following are some thoughts about how to make this more practical in your life

            Here are  15 contributors to the Great Omission.  These are things that routinely get in the way of true forgiveness and reconciliation. 

            1. Settling for second best (striving instead of thriving).

Striving to succeed in a performance-based culture devalues our needs for rest and reflection time.  Pragmatism (making things work) is valued over prudence (making things right).  Bitterness, resentment, and blame are considered “normal.”   This high emotional pain tolerance can only be reversed through vulnerability and risk.  However, thriving mentally, emotionally, and spiritually makes it possible to thrive in all areas of life. Why settle for less than God's best?  We are each worth more than our current level of perceived striving (or thriving)! 

            2.  Performance-based living and decision making.

When we reduce forgiveness merely to a decision, we become reliant on our own will power to forgive instead of relying on what Jesus has accomplished for us.  We don't have to forgive and then come to Christ.  Our decision must be to cooperate with what Christ has done for us.  That puts Christ in control, and not us.  It also makes Him the achiever, not you.      

            3.  False beliefs about forgiveness

Here is a partial list of myths about forgiveness I discuss in my book,  Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart.   Forgiveness is NOT: simply  remorse, forgetting, excusing, trusting, letting go, letting time heal, a feeling, reducing unforgiveness, hinging upon an offender to make a gesture of repentance. Not everything you hear and read about forgiveness is true.  You may have to commit to unlearning what you already believe about forgiveness, and learn the truth.      

            4. Demanding “quick fix” rather than process.

When seeking the help of a counselor, people often say, “I just want to get this problem behind me and move on.”  What they really mean is, “Don't tell me I have to change something about myself, and I sure don't want to face my pain.”  Whoever said, “No pain, no gain,” had it right.  Acknowledging and surrendering our offenses (and offensive behaviors) is a growing process.  Growth always involves stretching and new learning by definition.  Because offense is inevitable in a broken world, at any given point in time, we are only one step away from our next lesson in forgiveness.

            5. Trying to go it alone

When we value self-sufficiency and independence above interdependence, we rebel against our innate design for human relationships to provide mutual support for dealing with the many challenges of life.  Accepting help is not a sign of weakness, but merely an acknowledgment that you are human.  I've heard it said, “Since we are hurt in relationship, we must also be healed in relationship.”  We all have “blind spots.”  We are very weak in self-critique.   We need others to point our short-comings so we can improve our character.  We must be teachable to benefit from constructive criticism. 

            6.  Lacking commitment to inner person change

Resisting change is our default nature.  Intentional change from the inside out, is necessary to conquer, rather than simply manage, undesired (and sinful) behaviors.  Confession and repentance is God's way to initiate this change. That simply means we verbally admit the error and turn our heart in the direction toward God (away from self). When we make this a regular pattern, we can build up resilience by increasing inner  capacity to handle losses and failed expectations.  Then  unforgiveness has less, or no place to take root.   

            7.  Excusing bad  behaviors.

When we complain, blame, or justify the bad attitudes of our heart, we short-circuit the “weeding” process to remove the bad roots.  Our behaviors all begin with our thoughts, and our thoughts are largely governed by our standards and core beliefs.   Bad fruit is produced by bad roots and bad soil. Sowing good seed in good soil will yield a good crop of fruit. Choosing to focus on (good) thoughts, placed in a (good) heart of surrender to God, will produce (good) behavior. 

            8. Clinging to poor self-concept

Many fail to see the link between how they act and how they think about themselves.  Second only to our thoughts about God, our thoughts about ourselves are the greatest influencers of our actions.  Do you, for real, believe from the bottom of your heart, that you are worth forgiving and being forgiven?  The value God places on your being is totally disconnected from any ability, or lack of ability, you have of earning it.  Your perception of innate worth shapes your self-image and how you react or respond to life.

            9.  Trivializing the so-called smaller offenses.

In 2006, world-wide attention was drawn to an Amish school-house shooting just miles from where we live in Lancaster County.  Forgiveness by the Amish toward the shooter and his family was a major theme of media stories.  Pardoning the horrific actions of shooting ten innocent school girls is a noble thing, but truly forgiving from the heart is demonstrated by the daily, sometimes moment by moment, surrendering to God our ultimate rights of judging.  Often times these are unintentional actions (and attitudes), of a human being that cause our judging.  That human could even be yourself if self-condemnation or self-rejection is part of what needs to be surrendered.  So-called smaller offenses and losses can be harder to reckon with than the larger ones.  An example may be unkind words from a close friend or family member, betrayal by a spouse, or attack on your integrity by a church member.  These routine interactions may not be dramatic enough to grab media attention, but they are the essence of what true forgiveness and reconciliation is all about. 

            10.  Failing to take full responsibility for your part in an offense.

Even if an offense is 90% the fault of another person and 10% your contribution, you must take full responsibility for your 10%.  For example, if an alcoholic spouse mistreats his or her partner, and the offended spouse retaliates without taking appropriate steps to resolve the conflict, the offended spouse must ask God's forgiveness for offending God by  condemning the offending alcoholic.  No person can change another person.  A person can take responsibility for his or her own actions, but not the actions of another. 

Shaming another person, no matter how offensive their behavior, will only continue a cycle of unforgiveness and make you an offender against God. 

            11.   Forgetting about restitution.

One way to define forgiveness is to release the debt of a debtor.  When debt is caused by an offense, and the offender repays the debt as part of reconciliation, that is called restitution.  Restitution helps the offender demonstrate his understanding of the damage or hurt he caused the person he offended. 

            12.  Fear of conflict and confrontation

Conflict is necessary for healthy relationship.  Confrontation is often necessary for reconciled relationships.  These are two different things, but I include them together because they both have to do with uncertainty and potential disruption of security in relationship.  Fear is a powerful motivator, and often keeps people from taking the action they know to be right.

            13.  Judging (over-reliance on your own expectations and perceptions of reality)

Critically judging inevitably brings criticism back on the one who critically judges (see Romans 2:1-2).  This is a rule of life, as certain as gravity pulling a brick to the ground, dropped from a 10th story window.  Condemnation crashes in on the one who condemns. Shaming another, shames yourself, because we're all made of the same stuff. 

            I think this is the chief contributor to the Great Omission.  Condescendingly judging, and failing to recognize when we do it, is offensive to Almighty God.  When we attempt to devalue a person to whom God has given innate value, we pretend to be Judge in place of God.  It is okay to condemn (judge) behavior, but not okay to condemn the person.  So, what is the difference?  Condemning behavior says their actions were bad.  Condemning the person says they are a jerk, good-for-nothing, damned, loser. 

Believe me, I've felt this way about many people (and sometimes still do), but I pray God shows me quickly when this is happening, so I can repent and surrender my heart to God for him to change. 

This bad judging can occur by making assumptions without the facts, prejudging, misjudging, misunderstanding, misinterpreting, or misperceiving the intent or motivation of a person.  The more secure we are about our own innate value to God, the less inclined we are to condemn. Accepted and validated by Father God, we have no need to try to put down others, in order to build up ourselves.  

            14.  Involving a third party unnecessarily.

What often happens when a person is hurt by an offense, instead of confronting the offender to reconcile, they go to another (third) person to seek validation for their victim role. They condemn the offender, rather than try to correct and make it right.  Condemning judgment becomes even more damaging when it is taken to a third person. 

That is called slander.  Gossip is when, for example,  a person can't resist putting a negative spin on  a comment (or outright “trash-talking”) about someone not present to defend themselves.   Slander and gossip occur frequently and do not get recognized for what they are, the damage they incur,  and the contribution they make to the Great Omission. 

            15.   Spiritual disconnection

The book of Hebrews in the Bible describes people as not being able to find rest in their hearts when they harbor bitterness, resentment, and blame   There is no joy and peace  for the soul that does not surrender unforgiving and contentious motivations.  Self-honesty and humility are per-requisites for opening the lines of communication with God and connecting to the true power of forgiveness and reconciliation.  

            For each of the contributors above, ask the question, “What is one Christ-centered action I can take to reverse this tendency in my life?”  Then, begin taking that action right now, take that action tomorrow, and each day for a week.  Review your progress in a week, read this article again, and continue taking the actions necessary fulfill the Great Commission in the fullest way God created you to BE!

                Note:   The book Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart discusses themes of dealing with disappointments, offense and finding freedom in forgiveness.  This book is designed to help people (especially in the Christian faith)  to discover and dislodge things in life that lead to defeat. Don't miss out on your chance to use this book as a helpful tool in discovering Refuge in Christ. It can be purchased by clicking here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm .  If you get anywhere near Pennsylvania for vacation or on business, be sure to look us up for lodging at  http://bluerockbnb.com 

by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry

Reconciliation: Making Things Friendly

           Forgiving is not the same as reconciling.  In researching the topic of forgiveness for a doctoral degree a number of years ago, the discovery of the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation was the single most life changing discovery of the project.  Remember, forgiving means surrendering to God the right to judge (an offense).   Forgiving restores relationship with God, whereas reconciliation restores relationship human to human (the offender. with those offended).  The good news for the offended is that the  freedom of forgiveness is not tied to the offender's ability (or willingness) to reconcile.  Another important thing to learn is that trying to reconcile before forgiving may actually cause more harm to a relationship than not attempting to reconcile at all.  Forgiveness prepares your heart and helps make your attitude more responsive rather than reactive.  Let me explain more here. 

            First, let's define reconciliation.  According to Webster's dictionary it is “the act of causing two people or groups to become friendly again after an argument or disagreement.”   Reconciling is often not an easy choice.  It may require humility and vulnerability to let other people see who you really are on the inside.  It usually requires confrontation.  The self-confrontation involved in forgiving is one thing, but confronting another person because of an offense can be very scary.  The lack of willingness to confront is often the greatest barrier to reconciliation. 

            Like forgiving, reconciling is not an option for a Christian. It is a mandate.  We must take very seriously the responsibility of attempting to "set things right."   In the previous article called The Commission to Forgive (posted 11/1/15), I quoted a passage from the Apostle Paul's letter to the first century Corinthian church which includes the statement that Christ himself “has committed to us the ministry of reconciliation” (see 2 Corinthians 5:15-20).  So, what might the results of this ministry of reconciliation look like?  I encourage you to read the entire fourth chapter of Ephesians to get a good snapshot of an answer to that question.  Some of the phrases that jump out are these, “live a life worthy,” “be completely humble and  gentle,” ”be patient, bearing one another in love,”  “keep the unity,” “speaking the truth in love,” “grow and build up,” “put off your old self,” “put on the new self,” “be made new in the attitudes of your mind,” and “do not let the sun go down on your anger.”  Summarizing the chapter, “ Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  ...  Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:29:32).   Reconciling is meant to benefit not only the offended, but the offender as well.  When relationships are restored and functioning well, the community at large will also benefit.  Church, business, government, and other organizations thrive on healthy relationships between individuals.  

            It takes at least one party to initiate reconciliation.  It takes two parties to obey the mandate for completing reconciliation.  One of the most common reasons for relational breakup and disunity is a disagreement, disappointment, or offense that has never been processed through.  It is not okay to walk away from a relationship, group, or situation just because you become angry or hurt by things that didn't go your way.  It is okay to have desires, preferences, and high expectations of character  (remembering that no one is perfect), but it is not okay to avoid healthy confrontation of brokenness that causes relational separation and division.  I discuss healthy conflict in a separate article. 

            In the previous article I stated, “Surrendering your right to judge doesn't mean you are surrendering your rights for justice to be served.”  In fact, when the “heart work” of forgiveness begins to produce its good fruit, it requires the action steps (toward reconciliation) to deliver the results to the world around you.  Forgiving an offender does not mean the offender is relieved of due consequences to be paid for an offense.  For example, in the case of abuse, forgiving an abuser is different from holding the abuser accountable for his or her actions.  The safety of the victim must be established and if the abuser's actions are criminal behavior, the laws must be enforced to protect from further victimization and give the victimizer an opportunity to turn away from the sin of abuse and be restored as a person with worth and dignity.  The abuse victim may or may not ever be reconciled to the abuser, but the power of forgiveness can free the victim of the damage caused by the victimization.  The more completely forgiveness is achieved, the greater the degree of freedom to be lived. 

            It is also true that the more completely forgiveness is achieved (the more an offense is surrendered to God), the more prepared an offended person is to attempt reconciliation.  It only takes one party to forgive.  It takes two parties to reconcile.  Remember, there are two sides to every offense (the offender and the offended), and you may find yourself on either side at any given time in a relationship or circumstance.  If the offense seems unintentional on the part of the offender,  forgiveness may be exercised by the offended, but for reconciliation to be complete, the offender may still need to become involved.  Perhaps for example, a minor miscommunication of traveling directions by Jane causes John to be late for an important appointment.  John may forgive Jane and decide it's not worth mentioning Jane's mistake to her.  John may even hold himself responsible for not double checking or using a different source to find the information he needed.  But then another similar incident occurs between Jane and John, and John has a harder time to forgive and the need to reconcile becomes more evident.      

            The teaching of Jesus addresses the issue of repeat offendenses among brothers and sisters in Christ.   One reference is in Matthew 18:15-17.  I'll not go into detail here, but when reconciliation is attempted by the person offended, and the offender wants nothing to do with reconciliation or justice, it is time to get help from a friend or advocate.  Forgiveness, without pursuing reconciliation or justice, may only make the situation worse for everyone. 

            Sometimes offensive behaviors get excused as personality traits, styles of leadership, attributes of  professionalism, or “everybody does it” generalities.  They may even pose as necessity to keep the peace, tolerable as long as no one is getting hurt, or as a short-term loss to achieve a long-term benefit 

However, the truth, requires pain with gain, no short-cuts to relational integrity, confrontation to achieve inner peace, and trustworthy character to facilitate trust.  Leaders can fall into the trap of offense as quickly as anyone else.  Look at Moses for example.  One of the strongest leaders of the ancient Israeli people, witnessed an incident of severe injustice against a kinsman.  Although his intentions were good in trying to help his fellow Hebrew brothers and sisters, his attitude and behaviors that led to killing an Egyptian slave-driver back-fired.  Moses had to escape and live in hiding for 40 years as a result of his mistake.  Attempting short-cuts, when it comes to forgiving and reconciling,often erect negative relational walls that create confusion, erode authenticity, prohibit collaboration, and ultimately destroy trust and  trustworthiness.

            People are not the enemy.  People's actions (offenses) are the enemy.  We have a great Enemy who uses offenses (people's actions) in an attempt to divide and conquer.  We must be wise to this tactic and vigilant to resist the trap of offense.  People align with  the enemy when they refuse to reconcile. 

            Sometimes you can become an "enemy" of  yourself.   A person's perception of low self-worth and poor self-concept is at the core of all human problems.  God gave his only Son Jesus as our saving grace to reconcile us back to the Father.  Father creates worth and value into each child born into the human race.  The broken pieces of the human heart are reconciled back to Father through Jesus Christ (again see 2 Corinthian 5:15-20).  Your true value is based on who God made you to be as His son or daughter.  It's not based on what you have done or failed to do.   Believing in Jesus and surrendering your heart to God means you are relying on Christ's completed work of reconciliation.  It does not mean you have to come up with the strength to forgive and reconcile, but rely on the strength God gives you (see Matthew 11:28-29).  You have a choice to rely on the power of God every time you are offended.  Why not do it?

            Some offenses seem more difficult to forgive and reconcile than others.  Examples might be infidelity of a spouse, murder or other crime against a family member , or severe injustice of a tribal nature.   When God's power is invited into the situation, hope is much more free to win over a hopeless cause.   After reconciling with God (receiving his unconditional love), reconciling with fellowman becomes easier.  This is a continual process.  Christ's work is complete, but our work of cooperating must be ongoing. 

            May I encourage you to take the following steps toward deepening a commitment to reconciliation as a more common practice in your life.  First, identify an area of unforgiveness or unreconciled problem you have toward another person.  Next, if forgiveness is not complete, make a list of all the actions that caused offense (hurtful words spoken, mistreatments, negligence, transgressions).  Be as specific as possible.  Pray, confess, repent for any of your own reactive judgments, and forgive. Next, (if you believe you have surrendered your judgments to God), pray and discern strategy to address the offense with the offender.  Go in a spirit of humility and empathy, recognizing the flip side of offense is in your own life as well.  Keep the circle of people who know about the offense as small as is necessary to bring resolution.  Do not engage in slander or gossip to make yourself become  an offender.  After completing the actions you believe are necessary to bring resolution, and there still is no resolution, commit to following the path of asking an advocate to go with you (as outlined in Matthew 18:15-17) if the offender is a brother or sister in Christ.    Otherwise, pursue the matter  with the appropriate systems of justice to bring resolution.   Obviously, in cases of abuse or endangerment, the above steps should be abandoned to seek help immediately, outside the inner circle of the problem. 

            If you believe you've tried the steps outlined above and you still feel "stuck," it is probably time to get the help of a trusted friend or counselor.  Try going back to step one and examine forgiveness.  Be willing to allow God to show you a deeper level of forgiveness.  God is most glorified when we allow him to lead us through this process.  If there are numerous situations in your life that need to be reconciled, start with a small one, work it through to success, and don't become overwhelmed by trying too many, too soon. 

            One more tip is to discern whether the offender needs to be involved at all.  The offense may be small enough for you to simply need to forgive.  If you are 100% sure of what you are letting go, and totally certain the efforts of attempting to engage the other party would outweigh any potential benefits, let it go.  Misunderstandings, errors, and accidents are just part of our broken human condition.  Take the Beatles' advice and "Let It Be!" 

            When it must be, be a reconciler.  A real friend will want to be reconciled.  Be a friend, and  make things friendly again. 

                Note:   In Chapters Seven and Eight of the book Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart, the topic of reconciliation is discussed in more detail.  This book is designed to help people (especially in the Christian faith)  to discover and dislodge things in life that lead to defeat. Don't miss out on your chance to use this book as a helpful tool in discovering Refuge in Christ   More can be discovered by clicking here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm
by Ed Hersh, Blue Rock BnB Healing Ministry